30 Weeks Today!!

Wow! It feels like just yesterday when we were all sitting at the diningroom table for dinner and I presented my husband with the (very quickly made) card above. The confusion on his face was classic actually - I even remember that I had made a very nice macaroni cheese for dinner even though I wanted to vomit every 5 minutes while preparing it. [I deserve cudo's for that one]. I had found out the day before that I was pregnant, after refusing to believe it for a few weeks and blaming it on a stomach bug. The reason for this was because we had tried so long (5 years to be exact - with one blighted ovum to boot) and lots of doctor's visits, lots of poking and prodding, clomid, injects, HSG's, sperm analysis, bloods, bloods and more bloods ... well you get the picture.
It seems the best medicine known to man is to just ... well... give up! make peace that its not on the cards for you .... which I did - about 4 months prior. DH was not happy at all but I told him I was tired of putting my life on hold for something that was clearly not in God's plan for us. I wanted my life back, I wanted my body back - I wanted to remember how it felt to just .... LIVE!! I was sick and tired of bleeding like a slaughtered pig every say .... 50 days or so - with PMS symptoms for a good 2 weeks leading up to the arrival of that bitch Aunt Flo.... sooooo - I decided mid-cycle to start the pill (yes - mid-cycle as I was too impatient to wait for AF to rear her ugly head). Turns out all my PMS symptoms, heartburn (which I put down to the 4 glasses of wine consumed the night before), nausea (put down to a bad stomach bug which was in fact going around at the time) and absolute exhaustion (again a nasty side-effect of this new strain of stomach bug) were something that everybody else but me could see for what they were - yes ... early pregnancy symptoms. Yep - pretty damn clueless you must think but damn - after trying for so long with so many disappointments who could blame me?

When I eventually went to see a dr. about this "stomach bug" and decided to just stop at the pharmacy and pick up a test on the way (not believing for one minute it would be positive) - peeing on the stick and to my utter shock the line coming up so much darker than the control line.... yep - I remember all too well - the mixed emotions on those first few days. I refused to tell DH when I first found out and don't even ask me how I managed that but I did. The whole blighted ovum experience came flooding back and I refused to believe it until I saw tangible proof. The dr. took my bloods which I would have the results for the following day and I managed to get in to see a GP the following day, who had a very basic sonar machine in his rooms - there was my proof and to put into words the emotions I felt when I saw my little bean with a beating heart would be completely impossible. It was determined that I was 8 weeks along and had gone on the pill at 5 weeks pregnant. No harm done I was told and this is often a mistake that women have made.
I couldn't wait for DH to get home so I could share the news .... notice the card is blue - I just knew in my heart I was carrying the little boy we both so much longed for.

So here I sit 30 weeks pregnant and wondering where the hell this whole pregnancy has gone to. I am so relieved I had the foresight to start this blog because even though I am still pregnant I am missing it already if that makes any sense. I am soo looking forward to meeting my little man but this journey has been absolutely amazing - this pregnancy, although at 38 years of age has been so incredibly good to me in comparison to my other two pregnancies which were full of complaints and I guess the wonder I feel at being given this chance just one more time has me waking up every day and counting my blessings - perhaps because I had to fight a good fight for this one? who knows. I guess what I'm saying is that, in a sense I have started mourning the loss of my life as a fertile woman, a baby maker, a new mother .... this will be my last and I have to say, its a bitter pill to swallow. It's a chapter in my life that I have to say goodbye to in order to begin the new chapter, the second half of my life.

Forgive me my nostalgic / melancholic state but this too shall pass ..... ;o)