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Disappointed

Well today was supposed to be the day that Oli was paid out for his business and the new owner takes over but yesterday the agent called him to say it was not to be. The money was in her trust account ready to paid over to us and the lawyers were ready to hand over the letter for her to release the funds then the senior attorney decided that they were not going to take the risk until it had gone through the deeds office!!! This could take anything from 2 weeks to 3 months!!!

We were all completely gutted after receiving this news as Oli and I were so looking forward to a stress free Christmas yet now he has to continue running the business and looking to December as the most stressful month as it is his busiest of all. Coupled with the fact that we now have to juggle money to make Christmas special for the kids and still have a decent holiday. I am so fed up with these damned curve balls and I really am sick and tired of dusting myself off and carrying on but what else can we do. :(
Although I was feeling at my lowest yesterday I told DH that we have to be positive and just keep going and reminded him that at least the deal is not off just postponed.
He told me that yesterday the attorneys FINALLY agreed to give us a bank guarantee as he was starting to worry that the guy may just change his mind. This is at least something!! The money will be paid into the bank's account and they will provide us with a proper bank guarantee which we are all much happier with.

My mother's birthday is on 29 December and the plan was to stay in Jhb and only leave on 30 December but now with this comes the issue of DH staying away from his business for any length of time. His father will still be there but this man cannot even crack an egg without the support of Oli ..aaarggghh.. so I expect his phone to ring 100 times a day thus putting a huge damper on the holiday.

There is nothing more to do here except remain positive and try to make the best of a bad situation.

P.S (On the bright side we will not have the temptation to splash out unnecessarily during the festive season) ....

Food Glorious Food

I have to be honest here and just spit it out:
"I am so so terribly disappointed in myself!" There I've said it yet strangely the words seem empty - the revelation has not miraculously cured me. I am one of those people who loves their food - give me anything -and I mean anything except Anchovies and you can bet that my plate will be cleaned. Its 5 months now since I had Trent and yet I still cannot seem to get myself motivated to get on the weight-loss wagon. Could it be this time of year? All I know is that I have a heavy burden on my shoulders - food for me does not come guilt-free. Every morning I wake up and there it is - this fog hanging over me, this realizatin that I will not be walking to the wardrobe and pulling out any pants with zips and buttons but will once again be reaching for my black maternity pants with the stretch waist.

I sit at the table with a plate of food in front of me not hungry enough to clean the plate but cleaning it nonetheless thereby feeding the monster inside me. My love / hate relationship with food is spinning out of control as I force feed myself chocolates, food, desserts and then more chocolates. 80% of the time it is not hunger that drives me to eat, it is a need to punish myself for looking the way I do. I.NEED.HELP and I mean very very soon.

I am told that how I perceive myself to be is completely distorted to how other people see me and have to admit that in the past I have had border-line annorexia (and bulimia) not once but twice due to this warped perception. Something inside me, possibly from a very young age, has left me a non-believer in myself. I don't feel like a good person sometimes, I am highly sensitive to what people think of me, I feel so lonely in this head of mine even when surrounded by all the love in the world.

But I will get to a place even if I have to remind myself in the mirror every single morning that I have a world of love to give. I will love myself, I will accept myself and then and only then will I be able to move forward with a healthy diet without sabotaging my attempts.