I have to be honest here and just spit it out:
"I am so so terribly disappointed in myself!" There I've said it yet strangely the words seem empty - the revelation has not miraculously cured me. I am one of those people who loves their food - give me anything -and I mean anything except Anchovies and you can bet that my plate will be cleaned. Its 5 months now since I had Trent and yet I still cannot seem to get myself motivated to get on the weight-loss wagon. Could it be this time of year? All I know is that I have a heavy burden on my shoulders - food for me does not come guilt-free. Every morning I wake up and there it is - this fog hanging over me, this realizatin that I will not be walking to the wardrobe and pulling out any pants with zips and buttons but will once again be reaching for my black maternity pants with the stretch waist.
I sit at the table with a plate of food in front of me not hungry enough to clean the plate but cleaning it nonetheless thereby feeding the monster inside me. My love / hate relationship with food is spinning out of control as I force feed myself chocolates, food, desserts and then more chocolates. 80% of the time it is not hunger that drives me to eat, it is a need to punish myself for looking the way I do. I.NEED.HELP and I mean very very soon.
I am told that how I perceive myself to be is completely distorted to how other people see me and have to admit that in the past I have had border-line annorexia (and bulimia) not once but twice due to this warped perception. Something inside me, possibly from a very young age, has left me a non-believer in myself. I don't feel like a good person sometimes, I am highly sensitive to what people think of me, I feel so lonely in this head of mine even when surrounded by all the love in the world.
But I will get to a place even if I have to remind myself in the mirror every single morning that I have a world of love to give. I will love myself, I will accept myself and then and only then will I be able to move forward with a healthy diet without sabotaging my attempts.
2 comments:
Oh Irene I know exactly where you coming from my friend!
I am also a food lover (like know one evr guessed) I am discusted at the way in look in the mirror and just do not seem to have the energy, motivation, time or mental ability to do soemthing about it.. I wake up every morning praying that I will be 15kg lighter and yet it never happens...
It is definitely this time of the year!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't beat yourself up, you'll be way more motivated in the new year. If not, I'll kick your azz :)
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