Men!!

Is this the right place to be airing my dirty laundry? I'm really not sure but hey is this not the reason I started this blog? My online diary? A day in my life? Perhaps this post is the next best thing to writing it down on paper then burning it - therapeutic.

What is it with men and sex? Yes I know I haven't exactly been giving it up like a good wife should since I fell pregnant. First there was the complete exhaustion and then in the last trimester I just felt so fat and ugly and he did absolutely nothing to make me feel any different. In fact if I recall during a fight at that time I was told I was fat! Fat? No honey - just pregnant and terribly hurt thank you. Perhaps I am not fully over the fact that he made my pregnancy so miserable and I am holding on to it instead of just letting it go. Even the birth is something that still sits badly with me - I just feel it was not as special to him as the birth of his daughter. On day two in the hospital he invites friends to come and see me without asking me first. As anybody who has had a c/s knows, day 2 is the worst possible day for visitors! This starts an argument and I was utterly astounded at how selfish he was being telling me that I am such a difficult person and thats why my family didn't bother to come for the birth!! What the fuck is with that after I just gave him a beautiful son?????

I just feel like my life is spinning out of control and my only hope of happiness is packing my kids up and leaving him. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is a constant battle between us. Is he jealous of Trent? I'm pretty damn sure he is. He NEVER baths him, NEVER changes a nappy unless asked, NEVER helps me get nighttime bottles ready, knows NOTHING about his routine and automatically asks for the bottle when Trent cries when all he needs is the dummy, a hug and a sleep. I've given up asking for anything from him but the other night I was exhausted because we had gone out to friends the night before and had drinks but he gets his afternoon sleep while I look after Trent and then at 8pm when I just wanted to drop into bed I suddenly remembered bottles had not been prepared and told him. He continues lying next to me, refreshed from his afternoon sleep, watching TV. I had had enough!! After getting the bottles ready I got back into bed and told him that I really feel he is an absent father with Trent and if I had wanted to be a single mother I would have. I always get the same bullshit over and over again about how hard he works - according to him he is the hardest working man he knows. He owns a service centre and gets in early and is home by 6:30pm. Every night he walks in, gives a big sigh and then the pity party begins - Oh what a tough day I've had, me me me me me!!!! No FUCK YOU what about my day?????? How the FUCK do you think your son is growing so nicely? Then the cherry on top .... yes wait for it "You are the mother and it is YOUR JOB to do everything for the children, I am the breadwinner and while I earn the money YOU RESPECT ME!!" Since I have never been one to bite my tongue I was furious to say the least! I asked him what the point was of him working so "hard" if he has no time to appreciate his family. I also told him that I believe he is resentful that he even has a family because without having to support it he would not have to work as hard. I told him he is resentful of Trent because I give that little baby my all!!! I reminded him that he is an adult man capable of looking after himself (after I was told that HE should be my priority) I told him I was very sorry to burst his bubble but that Trent was my priority and NOT him as Trent is completely dependant on me. If Trent happens to be awake when DH wants sex it becomes MY FAULT! I am supposed to just leave him to cry so I can satisfy this mans needs. This he knows full well I refuse flatly to do.
I get told I am lazy and do nothing all day long even though I am on PAID maternity leave - apparently this is a cardinal sin. Even better - about a month ago he blew up because supper was not ready and waiting for his royal arrival. Yes fellow bloggers, I had a c/s and was breastfeeding and as we all know that first month the feedings are very erratic and you cannot simply put the baby down and expect them to understand that because their daddy is walking his important, hard-worked fucking ass through that front door in the next half an hour, mommy simply cannot feed you because daddy's stomach and paralysed fingers are far too important for me to worry about a small thing such as your hunger!!!!
Yes I thought things were going better and honestly I don't want him looking after Trent anyway because he is completely clueless about Trent's routine!! When we arrive somewhere guess who carries Trent in? Yes not me - daddy dearest!! Look at me everybody, I am a doting father, look how big my boy is getting. True story! 5 minutes later after everybody is finished cooing over Trent guess what? He hands him back to me.

Am I over this man? Is this why I withold sex? Or could it be that this is the only aspect of my life I feel I have control over? I am slipping into depression and feel that a marriage councellor may even be too late for us.

Yes tomorrow may very well bring a better day but for now I am so over this shit they call marriage - a true partnership it definately isn't!!!

Quick Update

I eventually decided to make the big move back into my bedroom after sleeping on the bed in Trent's room and getting little to no sleep after his midnight feed due to constant grunting coming from the cot. So far it has worked like a charm! Sunday night he slept from 8pm until 3am - had a feed then slept again until about 7am!! Wow I really had a good night's sleep. Last night he woke at 12:30am and had half a bottle then straight back to sleep and woke again at 3am where I tried the bottle which he didn't want so after putting the dummy back in his mouth I went back to bed. I could hear the grunting through the monitor but I turned the volume down a little and soon he fell asleep. It seems he also needed me out of the room as I posibly make noises in my sleep too which keep him awake. This is the most awake I have felt in a long time and I realy hope it lasts.
Oli, myself and the kids were out a lot this weekend with friends having drinks and a lot of laughs but I now realise why I don't do the drinking on Sunday's anymore - it makes "Blue Monday" seem like the understatement of the year. So I pretty much kept a low profile yesterday and just veged all day in front of the tube - was in bed by 8pm.
I love where Trent is now in his development because the whole family fights eachother to greet him in the morning due to his incredibly good mood and beautiful smiles .... he seems just as excited as us to interact after a long night in the cot.

I want to send all my love and best wishes to two beautiful friends who just got their BFP's after a long and rocky road. Eve and Dooi I am brimming with pride for you two and cannot wait to share in the 8 months you have ahead of you and the joy when you finally hold your long awaited bundles in your arms. I couldn't have wished this on two more lovely and deserving friends. Mandy-Leigh my thoughts and prayers are with you that this cycle still turns around for you .... you are constantly in my thoughts!!

Another day in the life ....

Trent has started settling into a nice routine now (knock on wood!) and last night was his first night in the big cot in his room. He loved it!! He really slept well even though he slept the day away yesterday. A week ago I finally decided to stop expressing breast milk and only formula feed and it was a very sad day for me. I still experience the urge to run to the the dr for pills to get the milk going again just because I feel like I am saying goodbye to a part of Trent and my early days and admitting to myself that he is no longer a newborn. I took him to the clinic the other day and he only picked up 20grams this week which we are not at all worried about - the sister and I think he is probably going to slow down a lot with the weight gain due to the huge gains thusfar.
I am loving talking to him now as he talks back and has recently just discovered his tongue so he is always sticking it out at me or playing with it in his mouth.
The girls are still loving him sooo much and simply can't get enough of him - I really thought the novelty would have worn off by now - you know how kids are ... more important things to do - but no I think adding a boy to the mix was the perfect recipe.

Oli and I have been getting along a lot better too and seem to have sorted our differences out. He has also told me he wants to take the family on a nice vacation before my maternity leave is finished and asked me where I would like to go. Any input would be great because I am looking for a place where there is lots for the kids to do while Oli and I find eachother again and just relax after a really shit financial year.
He is also bonding so well with Trent but I must admit he feels a little sorry for himself because lately Trent ignores him. When he plays with him or tries to smile at him Trent will turn his head or his eyes the other way. I have discovered the reason for this is because Oli tries to interract with him at about 6am before he goes to work and Trent is just getting ready to have his next sleep so really has little to no interest in any of us. Then at night when Oli gets home Trent is having his post-bath deep sleep so we just can't win.

I am starting to make my plans to go up to Jhb end of October and meet all the OPM ladies. Add to that its my birthday on 2 November and my brother-in-laws birthday on the same day so we will probably stay with my sister and have a big celebration. Oli's mom lives in Jhb too so she is really looking forward to seeing us and the kids. Then a bonus is that my mom is going to be in Jhb on the same weekend as my dad needs to go and see the heart specialist for a follow-up. I am so excited for us to all be getting together again!!!

I started weight watchers and it has admittedly been slow to start since while my mom was here I pretty much ate anything I could get my hands on. Yesterday I went for my weigh-in and in two weeks (since I didn't go weigh in last week) I had only picked up 200 grams - nothing wrong with that!! As of yesterday I have been very good and Im really hoping for a loss of about 1.5 or 2kg's this week which is normal for me on the first week of a diet - thereafter it slows.

I think I've about covered all my news now and as usual I leave with some cute photo's:

Mom and Dad the other day on the beach ... I miss them so much


I love bath time ... and recently discovered I have a tongue




Oh this is a little bit of heaven on Anna's back


I have started doing a wall of fame for my brood - as soon as Trent is sitting I am taking all three for updated pics - the skinny smiley baby with the feathers is Morgan..

Trent is 2 months!

I cant believe how quickly the time has gone but Trent turned 2 months on Sunday - Happy 2 months my baby boy - you are growing up right in front of my eyes!!

Mom and dad came to visit for the weekend and I must say we had a wonderful time - they absolutely adore Trent and he was very spoilt. This morning they left though so I am feeling low today .... not chatty at all - will catch up again soon but first a picture ...


Trent at 2 months old:

Hands and Feet

I finally got Trent's moulded hands and feet back and I must say I really do love it. I was a little worried that they could easily swap them for any babies moulds but the minute I saw it I recognised his baby toes. They seem to stand away from all the other toes so there was no doubting them.





We also had a little bit of tummy time today and I'm very impressed with how well Trent does - in fact he is even trying to rest his weight on his hands by lifting his elbows up .... but this makes him a weee bit wobbly which is so cute.



Mom is coming to visit this weekend and believe it or not this will be the first time she gets to see my little man so I'm pretty excited about it.
As for me well we had unprotected drunk sex the other night and I really hope there are no consequences - I mean can you imagine???????? Then again the really frightening part is that I have thought about the what if's and really wouldn't mind another absolute last ... yes not quite this early but since I'm supposed to be done with making babies I would assume it was God's will for little Trent to be close in age to a brother or sister. Watch this space.....! (P.S - my gynae has told me there is no way he will allow me to have more hehe - the cheek of it!) ;)

I am feeling a little sad that my little man is changing in front of my eyes but at the same time I get so excited when he reaches new milestones ... it just keeps getting better. Today I managed to get quite a few smiles from him so he is no longer holding them back as much ... and what a gorgeous gummy little smile it is!!! Now the trick is to get it on camera.....!
He is getting into more of a routine at night and waking up between 12:20am and 1:30am for a feed. On a good night I am awake only 15-20 minutes like last night but on some nights (due to dirty nappy's or winds) I can be up for 2 hours. He then wakes again at about 4:30am and we stay awake until about 7am. Now if I'm lucky we both go back to sleep until 9am (like this morning) but days like that are few and far between since he seems to have gone off having a long morning sleep and prefers half hour power naps which leaves me little time to chat to my favourite pals.
I started Weight Watchers but now with my mom coming for 4 days its going to be a little tough so I'm going to continue properly after she has left.

xoxo