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Disappointed

Well today was supposed to be the day that Oli was paid out for his business and the new owner takes over but yesterday the agent called him to say it was not to be. The money was in her trust account ready to paid over to us and the lawyers were ready to hand over the letter for her to release the funds then the senior attorney decided that they were not going to take the risk until it had gone through the deeds office!!! This could take anything from 2 weeks to 3 months!!!

We were all completely gutted after receiving this news as Oli and I were so looking forward to a stress free Christmas yet now he has to continue running the business and looking to December as the most stressful month as it is his busiest of all. Coupled with the fact that we now have to juggle money to make Christmas special for the kids and still have a decent holiday. I am so fed up with these damned curve balls and I really am sick and tired of dusting myself off and carrying on but what else can we do. :(
Although I was feeling at my lowest yesterday I told DH that we have to be positive and just keep going and reminded him that at least the deal is not off just postponed.
He told me that yesterday the attorneys FINALLY agreed to give us a bank guarantee as he was starting to worry that the guy may just change his mind. This is at least something!! The money will be paid into the bank's account and they will provide us with a proper bank guarantee which we are all much happier with.

My mother's birthday is on 29 December and the plan was to stay in Jhb and only leave on 30 December but now with this comes the issue of DH staying away from his business for any length of time. His father will still be there but this man cannot even crack an egg without the support of Oli ..aaarggghh.. so I expect his phone to ring 100 times a day thus putting a huge damper on the holiday.

There is nothing more to do here except remain positive and try to make the best of a bad situation.

P.S (On the bright side we will not have the temptation to splash out unnecessarily during the festive season) ....

Food Glorious Food

I have to be honest here and just spit it out:
"I am so so terribly disappointed in myself!" There I've said it yet strangely the words seem empty - the revelation has not miraculously cured me. I am one of those people who loves their food - give me anything -and I mean anything except Anchovies and you can bet that my plate will be cleaned. Its 5 months now since I had Trent and yet I still cannot seem to get myself motivated to get on the weight-loss wagon. Could it be this time of year? All I know is that I have a heavy burden on my shoulders - food for me does not come guilt-free. Every morning I wake up and there it is - this fog hanging over me, this realizatin that I will not be walking to the wardrobe and pulling out any pants with zips and buttons but will once again be reaching for my black maternity pants with the stretch waist.

I sit at the table with a plate of food in front of me not hungry enough to clean the plate but cleaning it nonetheless thereby feeding the monster inside me. My love / hate relationship with food is spinning out of control as I force feed myself chocolates, food, desserts and then more chocolates. 80% of the time it is not hunger that drives me to eat, it is a need to punish myself for looking the way I do. I.NEED.HELP and I mean very very soon.

I am told that how I perceive myself to be is completely distorted to how other people see me and have to admit that in the past I have had border-line annorexia (and bulimia) not once but twice due to this warped perception. Something inside me, possibly from a very young age, has left me a non-believer in myself. I don't feel like a good person sometimes, I am highly sensitive to what people think of me, I feel so lonely in this head of mine even when surrounded by all the love in the world.

But I will get to a place even if I have to remind myself in the mirror every single morning that I have a world of love to give. I will love myself, I will accept myself and then and only then will I be able to move forward with a healthy diet without sabotaging my attempts.

Bugs, Ballet and New Beginnings ...

I came back to work two weeks ago and almost immediately started coming down with flu which is clear indication of how filthy the aircon is in these large buildings. I am still trying to fight it off and have not been hit this hard since well before I fell pregnant. So far we are lucky and although Trent has a slight cough there are no other indications that I have passed it on. Morgan on the other hand seems to have caught my nasty bug so here's hoping it stops at her once I dose her up with all the good stuff.

Saturday night we went to Morgan's ballet concert where she was a little angel with wings floating across the stage. I was so darn proud of her as this is the first time she looked completely confident and in control. I mentioned this to her after the concert and she said "Mommy I remembered what you told me ... that all the parents are only there to watch their children so I pictured only 5 people watching me" bless her little cotton socks!!!

Kaylah is now on school holidays so fun and games for me. Her friend is arriving today and staying the whole week. I can already see a lot of favours being asked of me. Mom can we go to movies? or Mom can you take us to the beach? Eish - not sure my head can handle all that just yet! Morgan starts holidays on Friday so even more fun and games with three kids lazing around all day making a mess in the house. Did I mention that Kaylah and Morgan fight 24/7?? Boy do I love the December holidays!! [read: I wish I could pack my bag and run away]

As for little Mr Trent something has happened suddenly in the last week and along with the sitting he has taken to really enjoying rolling from back to tummy. Tummy to back he did a few weeks ago but seems to have forgotten he can do it. After putting him to bed last night I heard a muffled moaning so went in to check. He had turned over on his tummy with the blanket on his head and his leg caught outside the rails of the cot. I couldn't help but laugh (a nervous laugh of course) since the days of him staying put are fast ending. This weekend he was chewing everything in sight - most fancied my fingers and really munched down hard on them. He is drooling all over the place and spitting up cottage cheese on a regular basis now. I am assuming it is because of the increased saliva which is making him feel a little sick. I really was hoping I would escape the teething woes for at least another month but looks like we are suddenly on a train full steam ahead with everything. Man he is just growing up too fast .... I have a nice little bath chair that we will soon start using as the baby chair he was in is no good anymore. He kicks so hard that his leg flips over the centre piece and they both end up on one side causing him to slide right down into the water!! Don't even let me start on when I am eating or drinking something..... if I am not holding him tight enough he will wiggle right out of my arms in his attempts to grap whatever goes into my mouth... what a little tiger!!! xxx

November Madness!!

Its that time of year again where tempers are high and the Christmas spirit is all around us - all our department stores cramming their isles with more goodies than they can fit including last years Christmas stock, baking utensils and far too many toys, making it virtually impossible to manuvoer a trolley let alone a pram through its maize. I look to Christmas shopping with pure dread since I realise that if not done before 1 December it will become virtually impossible to do it at all. The reason being that we live in a very popular (and might I add small) coastal town and come the last school bell of the year thousands upon thousands of holiday makers decend upon us with caravans, campers, bikes, tents and beachballs ... excitedly anticipating their first glimpse of the warm indian ocean. I might add too that the road rage practiced in our lovely GP is carried over to this quaint little town I call home and we find ourselves more often than not, on the receiving end of cusses, middle fingers and speeding angry drivers determined to wipe out anything or anyone in their path as they race against time to the beach or the malls before the other racing angry GP drivers get there first. After living here for 3 years I can honestly say that I am disgusted that I too was one of them and I too had no regard for the local people, their generosity, their kindness and the fact that unlike the GP's they have to work throughout Christmas and New Year. Yes the GP's would say "but we bring in the MONEY so quit complaining" ... a little common curtesy and respect for these quiet coastal people and their beautiful wildlife goes a long way people.

Which brings me onto my next point - I will be spending the week of Christmas in Jhb with my family and I couldn't be happier. Traffic going out that way will be QUIET! Jhb itself will be QUIET! Well quieter than this place that is. My dilemma still remains that I need to get my Christmas shopping out of the way and quickly so DH hurry up and bring on the money!!!

Trent reached a very big milestone yesterday and I have to say he hit me with a curve ball because I didn't see this one coming. He SAT all by himself and for at least 10 minutes before he started crying - problem was he had no idea how to get out of that sitting position so cried for mommy to rescue him....
The drooling, spit up and biting is now full steam ahead which leaves me looking like something the cat dragged in. Here's hoping those teeth come soon but if he is anything like my other two Im looking at around 7 - 8 months.

Soaring Spirit

Hello to all my valued readers I am back - life as I knew it is no more, I am now back at work and things are normal - whatever normal is?? I feel I have come full circle although in saying that, I have come back to this place with a brand new blessing who I am completely and utterly crazy about.
I feel my little man has breathed new life into me and as we go along as he is learning so too am I. I am re-learning the art of patience, devotion, unconditional love and most importantly I am learning to love myself again through it all. Somewhere along the way I lost my sense of self-worth - I felt like a robot that put everybody else's wants and needs ahead of mine. Yes as the mother I am the "heart" of the family and I certainly believe that without me it would all unravel but gratitude, appreciation and love returned in the smallest doses has not been forthcoming.

Yes I do everything for my little man so again I am giving but I am receiving the greatest gift of all in return ... his unconditional and fresh love that only a baby can give, that lights up his face when I am around. Discovering all the beautiful things in the world right along with him as if I too am seeing them for the first time .... I feel lifted, free - I can move mountains...

A little poem:

Mother's Prayer

Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day,
With little time to stop and pray,
For life's been anything but calm,
Since you called on me to be a mom.

Running errands, matching socks,
Building dreams with building blocks.
Cooking, cleaning, and finding shoes,
And other stuff that children lose.

Fitting lids on bottled bugs,
Wiping tears and giving hugs.
A stack of last week's mail to read,
So where's the quiet time I need?

Yet when I steal a minute Lord,
Just at the sink or ironing board,
To ask the blessings of your grace,
I see then in my small one's face,

That you have blessed me all the while,
As I stop to kiss that precious smile.

...Author Unknown

As time goes on....

I would like to add Trent's then and now pics as per Marthie's blog.






.... and Now

The photo's below were taken last night when I gave him his very first meal of home-made butternut..... He absolutely loved it!!! I was going to hold off for a while as per the sister's instructions but honestly how much weight can vegetables actually put on?? He is doing everything they need to be doing including watching me eat all the time - there was no pushing out of the tongue when the food went in and somewhere in between it all mommy got a great big smile as if to say "Mommy this is soooo yummy - you're the best"!!

Flu and more

I have been a very bad blogger lately but have had so much on the go. Much as my fingers like to waffle when I begin typing I will keep this short and simple.

Kaylah's 16th party went off very well and was a huge success but for those few kids that have absolutely no manners and chose to drink alcohol. Of course hubby and I are the one's now getting frowned down on by the parents but my take on this is that if you drop your kids off and cannot be bothered to check their pockets for alcohol do not then make your shortcommings as a parent my fault. My daughter behaved in exactly the way I have always taught her to so I honestly feel proud that this is a result of 16 years work I have put in and now I feel I really did do it right after second guessing myself on so many things (10 years of that was as a single parent) so I feel it only fair to give myself a pat on the back and take most of the credit .... :o)

It seems the flu bug has finally reached my little man and he has a cough which I am unhappy about since summer is here and I thought we were one of the lucky few. Kaylah is in bed right now sick with a chest cold and I feel a slight cold coming on too. I am giving him some herbal cough syrup which he DETESTS and illiadin nose drops - for now. I will have to watch him and hope against hope that it stops at a small cold.

I really am looking forward to our little trip to Jhb - to see new and old friends and see my family again - we really need to start travelling more but honestly since we moved to the coast we kind've got lazy to go away because it feels like you have everything here so where to go? I hate Jhb although I miss it a lot - it takes a trip there to make me realise how lucky we were to have made the move to the coast.

Until next time .......

Trent - 3 Months Old Today!!!

Milestones: He has just started giggling now but does it with a very serious face. He is attempting to hold his bottle too but succeeds only in knocking it out his mouth every time with his little fists. He is blowing bubbles and making the cutest noises - he talks to me with a big frown like he is telling me something of the utmost importance. He absolutely loves his bath and kicks like crazy when he's in there.
I can't believe how fast the last 3 months has gone!! Happy 3 months my boy - we love you more than words can say!!

My Precious Children

I have been contemplating this post for awile so people are aware that I do infact have two other children that are loved dearly!!!

I am quite amazed at how different all their personalities are and love them all differently for this very reason.

First there is Kaylah who was the most difficult and sick baby but turned out into a very shy, well-mannered and very well liked teenager. Her 16th birthday is coming up and I really can't get my head around the fact that she is that age. I need to scan some baby pics of her - she was absolutely adorable and still is so I think I'm going to soon start having boy problems. She has never been very academically minded just like I was in school so really has to push herself to get average marks.

Then there is Morgan who keeps this whole family on their toes or rather on their heads. She tears up and down like a tornado from the moment she wakes up until she passes out at night. She is very confident and can also be pretty disrespectful to adults which is a very big problem with me and we are trying our best to rectify it. She loves to sing and dance in front of the mirror with her pretend-microphone and is constantly wanting us to watch her do a play. I think she will excell in school since thusfar she has been one of the top pupils in her class and never disappoints with her report card (I might add that her behaviour at home is not carried over to school - there she is as good as gold which then rules out ADHD). As a baby she was also pretty easy until we started giving in to demands which at the time was easier but the long-term effects such as her sleeping in our bed until she was 5 years old made me quickly realise the errors of our ways. She was born weighing 3.6 kg's but is such a skinny little girl - very tall but at 6 years she is only weighing 20kg's (note that Trent is almost half of that at 3 months!!)

Then of course we have Trent who is such a sensitive little soul lately that if there is a sudden and unexpected loud noise his bottom lip immediately comes out followed by a heart wrenching wail that goes on for a full 5 minutes even with all the comforting in the world. It not funny but we laugh at him nonetheless because it is just soooo incredibly cute. His nighttime routine (knocking on wood here) is soooo much better than Morgan's was and I think it could be due to the fact that I am much more in tune to him than I was with my girls and we work very well as a team. DH does sometimes come into the bathroom and play with him and this last week asked if he could bath him but honestly I think its my fault that I do all the work because I am a perfectionist with his routine. (perhaps I was too hard on him (DH) in my last post but honestly we all know the domino effects of financial strain and I have to just understand that he is running his own business and worring about supporting our large family - nuf said). Trent seems to be reaching certain milestones a little slower than Morgan did to so I have a feeling I am going to have a chilled happy little boy one day that does things at his own pace (nothing wrong!).

They are all so unique and I feel that this is so important because you are always surprised by things they do or the way they do them. My heart is so full of love for my 3 beautiful children even if they drive me half insane a lot of the time.

Men!!

Is this the right place to be airing my dirty laundry? I'm really not sure but hey is this not the reason I started this blog? My online diary? A day in my life? Perhaps this post is the next best thing to writing it down on paper then burning it - therapeutic.

What is it with men and sex? Yes I know I haven't exactly been giving it up like a good wife should since I fell pregnant. First there was the complete exhaustion and then in the last trimester I just felt so fat and ugly and he did absolutely nothing to make me feel any different. In fact if I recall during a fight at that time I was told I was fat! Fat? No honey - just pregnant and terribly hurt thank you. Perhaps I am not fully over the fact that he made my pregnancy so miserable and I am holding on to it instead of just letting it go. Even the birth is something that still sits badly with me - I just feel it was not as special to him as the birth of his daughter. On day two in the hospital he invites friends to come and see me without asking me first. As anybody who has had a c/s knows, day 2 is the worst possible day for visitors! This starts an argument and I was utterly astounded at how selfish he was being telling me that I am such a difficult person and thats why my family didn't bother to come for the birth!! What the fuck is with that after I just gave him a beautiful son?????

I just feel like my life is spinning out of control and my only hope of happiness is packing my kids up and leaving him. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is a constant battle between us. Is he jealous of Trent? I'm pretty damn sure he is. He NEVER baths him, NEVER changes a nappy unless asked, NEVER helps me get nighttime bottles ready, knows NOTHING about his routine and automatically asks for the bottle when Trent cries when all he needs is the dummy, a hug and a sleep. I've given up asking for anything from him but the other night I was exhausted because we had gone out to friends the night before and had drinks but he gets his afternoon sleep while I look after Trent and then at 8pm when I just wanted to drop into bed I suddenly remembered bottles had not been prepared and told him. He continues lying next to me, refreshed from his afternoon sleep, watching TV. I had had enough!! After getting the bottles ready I got back into bed and told him that I really feel he is an absent father with Trent and if I had wanted to be a single mother I would have. I always get the same bullshit over and over again about how hard he works - according to him he is the hardest working man he knows. He owns a service centre and gets in early and is home by 6:30pm. Every night he walks in, gives a big sigh and then the pity party begins - Oh what a tough day I've had, me me me me me!!!! No FUCK YOU what about my day?????? How the FUCK do you think your son is growing so nicely? Then the cherry on top .... yes wait for it "You are the mother and it is YOUR JOB to do everything for the children, I am the breadwinner and while I earn the money YOU RESPECT ME!!" Since I have never been one to bite my tongue I was furious to say the least! I asked him what the point was of him working so "hard" if he has no time to appreciate his family. I also told him that I believe he is resentful that he even has a family because without having to support it he would not have to work as hard. I told him he is resentful of Trent because I give that little baby my all!!! I reminded him that he is an adult man capable of looking after himself (after I was told that HE should be my priority) I told him I was very sorry to burst his bubble but that Trent was my priority and NOT him as Trent is completely dependant on me. If Trent happens to be awake when DH wants sex it becomes MY FAULT! I am supposed to just leave him to cry so I can satisfy this mans needs. This he knows full well I refuse flatly to do.
I get told I am lazy and do nothing all day long even though I am on PAID maternity leave - apparently this is a cardinal sin. Even better - about a month ago he blew up because supper was not ready and waiting for his royal arrival. Yes fellow bloggers, I had a c/s and was breastfeeding and as we all know that first month the feedings are very erratic and you cannot simply put the baby down and expect them to understand that because their daddy is walking his important, hard-worked fucking ass through that front door in the next half an hour, mommy simply cannot feed you because daddy's stomach and paralysed fingers are far too important for me to worry about a small thing such as your hunger!!!!
Yes I thought things were going better and honestly I don't want him looking after Trent anyway because he is completely clueless about Trent's routine!! When we arrive somewhere guess who carries Trent in? Yes not me - daddy dearest!! Look at me everybody, I am a doting father, look how big my boy is getting. True story! 5 minutes later after everybody is finished cooing over Trent guess what? He hands him back to me.

Am I over this man? Is this why I withold sex? Or could it be that this is the only aspect of my life I feel I have control over? I am slipping into depression and feel that a marriage councellor may even be too late for us.

Yes tomorrow may very well bring a better day but for now I am so over this shit they call marriage - a true partnership it definately isn't!!!

Quick Update

I eventually decided to make the big move back into my bedroom after sleeping on the bed in Trent's room and getting little to no sleep after his midnight feed due to constant grunting coming from the cot. So far it has worked like a charm! Sunday night he slept from 8pm until 3am - had a feed then slept again until about 7am!! Wow I really had a good night's sleep. Last night he woke at 12:30am and had half a bottle then straight back to sleep and woke again at 3am where I tried the bottle which he didn't want so after putting the dummy back in his mouth I went back to bed. I could hear the grunting through the monitor but I turned the volume down a little and soon he fell asleep. It seems he also needed me out of the room as I posibly make noises in my sleep too which keep him awake. This is the most awake I have felt in a long time and I realy hope it lasts.
Oli, myself and the kids were out a lot this weekend with friends having drinks and a lot of laughs but I now realise why I don't do the drinking on Sunday's anymore - it makes "Blue Monday" seem like the understatement of the year. So I pretty much kept a low profile yesterday and just veged all day in front of the tube - was in bed by 8pm.
I love where Trent is now in his development because the whole family fights eachother to greet him in the morning due to his incredibly good mood and beautiful smiles .... he seems just as excited as us to interact after a long night in the cot.

I want to send all my love and best wishes to two beautiful friends who just got their BFP's after a long and rocky road. Eve and Dooi I am brimming with pride for you two and cannot wait to share in the 8 months you have ahead of you and the joy when you finally hold your long awaited bundles in your arms. I couldn't have wished this on two more lovely and deserving friends. Mandy-Leigh my thoughts and prayers are with you that this cycle still turns around for you .... you are constantly in my thoughts!!

Another day in the life ....

Trent has started settling into a nice routine now (knock on wood!) and last night was his first night in the big cot in his room. He loved it!! He really slept well even though he slept the day away yesterday. A week ago I finally decided to stop expressing breast milk and only formula feed and it was a very sad day for me. I still experience the urge to run to the the dr for pills to get the milk going again just because I feel like I am saying goodbye to a part of Trent and my early days and admitting to myself that he is no longer a newborn. I took him to the clinic the other day and he only picked up 20grams this week which we are not at all worried about - the sister and I think he is probably going to slow down a lot with the weight gain due to the huge gains thusfar.
I am loving talking to him now as he talks back and has recently just discovered his tongue so he is always sticking it out at me or playing with it in his mouth.
The girls are still loving him sooo much and simply can't get enough of him - I really thought the novelty would have worn off by now - you know how kids are ... more important things to do - but no I think adding a boy to the mix was the perfect recipe.

Oli and I have been getting along a lot better too and seem to have sorted our differences out. He has also told me he wants to take the family on a nice vacation before my maternity leave is finished and asked me where I would like to go. Any input would be great because I am looking for a place where there is lots for the kids to do while Oli and I find eachother again and just relax after a really shit financial year.
He is also bonding so well with Trent but I must admit he feels a little sorry for himself because lately Trent ignores him. When he plays with him or tries to smile at him Trent will turn his head or his eyes the other way. I have discovered the reason for this is because Oli tries to interract with him at about 6am before he goes to work and Trent is just getting ready to have his next sleep so really has little to no interest in any of us. Then at night when Oli gets home Trent is having his post-bath deep sleep so we just can't win.

I am starting to make my plans to go up to Jhb end of October and meet all the OPM ladies. Add to that its my birthday on 2 November and my brother-in-laws birthday on the same day so we will probably stay with my sister and have a big celebration. Oli's mom lives in Jhb too so she is really looking forward to seeing us and the kids. Then a bonus is that my mom is going to be in Jhb on the same weekend as my dad needs to go and see the heart specialist for a follow-up. I am so excited for us to all be getting together again!!!

I started weight watchers and it has admittedly been slow to start since while my mom was here I pretty much ate anything I could get my hands on. Yesterday I went for my weigh-in and in two weeks (since I didn't go weigh in last week) I had only picked up 200 grams - nothing wrong with that!! As of yesterday I have been very good and Im really hoping for a loss of about 1.5 or 2kg's this week which is normal for me on the first week of a diet - thereafter it slows.

I think I've about covered all my news now and as usual I leave with some cute photo's:

Mom and Dad the other day on the beach ... I miss them so much


I love bath time ... and recently discovered I have a tongue




Oh this is a little bit of heaven on Anna's back


I have started doing a wall of fame for my brood - as soon as Trent is sitting I am taking all three for updated pics - the skinny smiley baby with the feathers is Morgan..

Trent is 2 months!

I cant believe how quickly the time has gone but Trent turned 2 months on Sunday - Happy 2 months my baby boy - you are growing up right in front of my eyes!!

Mom and dad came to visit for the weekend and I must say we had a wonderful time - they absolutely adore Trent and he was very spoilt. This morning they left though so I am feeling low today .... not chatty at all - will catch up again soon but first a picture ...


Trent at 2 months old:

Hands and Feet

I finally got Trent's moulded hands and feet back and I must say I really do love it. I was a little worried that they could easily swap them for any babies moulds but the minute I saw it I recognised his baby toes. They seem to stand away from all the other toes so there was no doubting them.





We also had a little bit of tummy time today and I'm very impressed with how well Trent does - in fact he is even trying to rest his weight on his hands by lifting his elbows up .... but this makes him a weee bit wobbly which is so cute.



Mom is coming to visit this weekend and believe it or not this will be the first time she gets to see my little man so I'm pretty excited about it.
As for me well we had unprotected drunk sex the other night and I really hope there are no consequences - I mean can you imagine???????? Then again the really frightening part is that I have thought about the what if's and really wouldn't mind another absolute last ... yes not quite this early but since I'm supposed to be done with making babies I would assume it was God's will for little Trent to be close in age to a brother or sister. Watch this space.....! (P.S - my gynae has told me there is no way he will allow me to have more hehe - the cheek of it!) ;)

I am feeling a little sad that my little man is changing in front of my eyes but at the same time I get so excited when he reaches new milestones ... it just keeps getting better. Today I managed to get quite a few smiles from him so he is no longer holding them back as much ... and what a gorgeous gummy little smile it is!!! Now the trick is to get it on camera.....!
He is getting into more of a routine at night and waking up between 12:20am and 1:30am for a feed. On a good night I am awake only 15-20 minutes like last night but on some nights (due to dirty nappy's or winds) I can be up for 2 hours. He then wakes again at about 4:30am and we stay awake until about 7am. Now if I'm lucky we both go back to sleep until 9am (like this morning) but days like that are few and far between since he seems to have gone off having a long morning sleep and prefers half hour power naps which leaves me little time to chat to my favourite pals.
I started Weight Watchers but now with my mom coming for 4 days its going to be a little tough so I'm going to continue properly after she has left.

xoxo

10 Things I Love about You...

You know when you just have too much to report back on that the more you wait the more news you store up until eventually it becomes too scary to blog because of the amount of time you may end up on the computer? Yes well this is me so instead of reporting back on everything I will list the 10 things I love most about you my Number 1 Man.

1. The way you make a little mmmm sound when drinking your bottle ... sip mmmmm sip mmmmm sip mmmm ...
2. The way your whole face lights up in the morning when I pick you up and smile at you.
3. The way you jump sometimes when you fart.
4. The way your eyes go round as saucers when you make new sounds.
5. The way you grunt like a caveman when you are trying to breastfeed and cannot find the source of your food and then proceed to head butt my breast in anticipation.
6. The way your bottom lip chatters when we pick you up too quickly.
7. The way you squeak for your bottle if I take too long.
8. The way you tuck your balled fists under your chin like a little bunny when you sleep.
9. The way you sneeze or hiccup and then look very surprised as if it wasn't you.
10. The way you sometime suck your dummy so hard it shoots out of your mouth.

....and a bonus 11 - just because you are all mine and you are teaching me so much as a mommy - I feel so youthful once again and thank you with all my heart for coming to me when you did and giving me the opportunity to experience this pure and precious love one more time.


Mommy loves you with all my heart my little chipmunk - you will always be my Number 1 Man

To my blogger pals - I would love to read yours too ...... I tag you!
To those still going through their TTC journey please remember you are always in my prayers

xoxoxoxoxo

Paed Visit

Firstly thank you ladies for your help. Chez I remember Antipeol but wasn't that taken orally? I will get some definately. Zeu - Daktarin was the name I had forgotten thanks... I used to use that with my daughter and worked very well.

So the following points were discussed at the paed yesterday:

Trents weight gain:

He was weighed on the paed's scale 17 days ago and was weighing 4.9kg's and yesterday he weighed 6.1kg's so in just over 2 weeks he picked up 1.2kg's - that's 500 grams a week and 70 grams a day!! Dr only wants him to put on 25 grams a day because of his large birth weight. So he was put on the following formula:

800ml in 24 hrs 3 hourly:

7pm - 100ml
10pm - 100ml
1am - 100ml
4am - 100ml
7am - 100ml
10am - 100ml
1pm - 100ml
4pm - 100ml

or (which I may prefer):

800ml in 24hrs 4 hourly
7pm - 150ml
11pm - 150ml
3am - 125ml
7am - 125ml
11am - 125ml
3pm - 125ml

I was definately overfeeding him when I look at the schedule above but at least we have caught it before he started getting too fat.

Rooibos:
Dr said absolutely NO rooibos as their systems are still much to immature to handle the ingredients in the tea and that it would more than likely just make his nappy rash worse so I will just continue with the boiled water between feeds.

Weeping Eye:
He said to continue with the drops given but I had been forgetting to massage the eye along the nose after applying drops. This is important because it opens the blocked duct and allows the medicine to travel through. If the problem persists months down the line he may need to go to an eye specialist where they insert a very fine tube through the eye and down the duct to open it. I hope it doesn't come to that however.

Crampiness:
Gripe water? He says its flavoured water that someone is making money out of so I'm wasting my time with it.
Telemant? As above.
He says that buscopan should be used only in extreme cases but he prefers that the babies get the winds up by themselves if they can or it will only get worse as they begin to rely on medicine. I have to agree with that.

P.S (last night hubby called me into the room as he was holding Trent and wanted me to see him in action with his dummy. He had a grip on it and was continuously putting it in his mouth and removing it - such good co-ords and he looked adorable.

P.P.S (I got another smile out of him this morning - albiet a brief one it melted my heart nonetheless)

xoxo

One In The Can For Me ;)

Well ... I just had to report back on this one. Friday night we were invited to a braai at friends and we had some drinks and chatted and all that good stuff, getting home at about 11pm. Now our agreement is that on weekends hubby sleeps with me in the main room since he does not have work the next day. Firstly I notice him heading for the spareroom and turning on the lamp. My words to him? "I DON'T THINK SO!!" so sheepishly he turns the light out and comes to bed. Fast forward 12:30am and hubby dearest has been snoring his head off for an hour and I have been up with a baby that has no interest in sleeping. Something wrong with this picture right? I start silently fuming at the fact I have been suckered yet again. Let me remind all that I too was drinking and since I am not used to drinking I was absolutely exhausted when we got home. Eventually I just couldn't take it anymore and woke him up ... dialogue as follows:

"Oli I think this is really unfair that I am up and you are sleeping"
his reply: "Well I have had a hard day at work and I got up at 6am"
me: "Oh wow - you slept in I see since I was up from 4:30am"
him "But you sit around at home all day" [me boiling over at that statement]
me "We agreed you would pull your weight on weekends and you are tired from drinking doubles tonight NOT from waking up at 6am my friend"
him: "You are the mother and it is your job" Job??? JOB???? It is my greatest pleasure but a little help would do wonders for my sanity sunshine!!!!! Now I am FUMING MAD!!
At this point I decide that the only way he will learn is if I actually leave the room so I pack up my pillows and replied "My Job???? Lets see how you feel about that when I sleep in the other room dearest... You WILL look after your son tonight as I am giving myself the night off!!!!"
And there you have it - off I went to the spareroom to what I thought would be the greatest sleep ever but there I lay, waking up every half hour worrying that he would snore his head off after drinking and forget that I wasn't there to tend to Trent (p.s. Trent sleeps in a little crib on my side of the bed -not in the bed). It was PURE torture for me to not go in and check if all was well and the only reason I did not do it was because I did not want him to tell me "Your turn now" I was in the midst of teaching him a lesson and all that good stuff. Anyhoo 4:30am I just couldn't sleep anymore so went through to check on him and realised that I had missed him so much I told DH he can go sleep in the spareroom. Granted I did not get to sleep again until that afternoon but I was so much happier knowing my son was near. Lesson learnt? You betchya!!! Saturday afternoon Sharks vs Lions game at the club and everybody was going to watch. Of course we had plans of going through as well. Now you may remember in earlier posts how much DH went out and drank while I was pregnant and in fact once or twice since I had given birth (early days when I simply couldn't join him). Well he nearly blew me clear away when he said to me early Saturday afternoon that he really did not feel like going out and drinking and would prefer to stay home!!!!!!??????? OMFW!!!! So I'm guessing he learnt a very good lesson the previous night - that it is NOT easy getting up every five minutes and having a broken sleep. He certainly woke up with a new kind've respect for me and at the same time realised that if he wants to go out and play there are limits and that I refuse to be left at home so if he goes we all go!! I hate to gloat but shit I'm proud of me ....[dusts hands] That's one in the can thank you very much.

A little on Trent:
He is growing in leaps and bounds and I am actually taking him to the paed late this afternoon. His eye infection has STILL not cleared up and its really worrying me. Then we have had a couple of very croupy sounding coughs (sound like they really hurt) and this is not something I wish to play around with. Nighttime is still pretty hard for me since we are doing 9pm, 12:30am and 3:30am (this last one he often stays awake until 7am). Sometimes I wonder if Nan even fills him up .... he is such a hungry little boy. Today I started him on a little baby Rooibos and he loved it so this will now become his inbetween-bottle-when-he-thinks-he-is-still-hungry drink. One more thing I would like to discuss is his terrible crampiness at night. When he is finished drinking he moans and grunts for such a long time (even after being winded), after a while he will either let off wind or pass a stool and then he is fine. I have telement, I have the mixture from the pharmacy and I also use gripe water (5ml's before a bottle) so not sure what I can do to help him. He doesn't cry at all as he is just not a crier - in fact everybody always comments on how peaceful and happy he is. He also has nappy rash just around the centre which looks like really painful little blisters that bleed. I have tried topical ointment, bepanthen, leaving nappy off etc but again this is something I need to discuss with the paed this afternoon. The problem is that every nappy is still a dirty nappy and his stools are still very loose even though he is now getting more formula than breastmilk (probably gets two bottles of 150ml breastmilk in a 24 hour period). Any home remedies are most welcome ladies so feel free to give me yours.

Here are some of his latest pictures:





Mommy's little shark baby

An Award from Me to me

Firstly I would like to thank Eve and Karien ((((((((((big hugz))))))))) for my award - which I will put up on my blog just as soon as I can even though it is most certainly not deserved hehe.

Secondly I would like to allocate an award to myself:
"The Worlds Worst Blogger Award"

I am soooooo sorry to all my faithfull followers but shit my life has suddenly taken a very busy turn. My wonderful maid left Friday before last to go to Jhb and only arrives back tomorrow morning so I have pretty much been running around like a headless chicken trying to keep the house under control. Trent also has the most wonderful timing of having a growth spurt this week because besides all the eating he is just not falling into those nice long, deep sleeps like he was. He will go down and half an hour to an hour he will be awake again which has thrown my feeding schedule right out. Things were settling into a nice routine and quite honestly I cannot help feeling anger towards my maid for even leaving right now even though I shouldn't. I have gone back two steps and find myself once again, sitting around in pj's all day because I am not able to break away to shower or anything else. His nappy's leak (Pamper's) so I have a shitload (punn intended) of dirty washing that is piling up around my ears.

More news than that will have to wait because my little prince charming has now arisin after another half hour catnap .... there goes my shower and early departure to the shops.

xoxo

Breastfeeding Pro's and Cons

Okay so here I am writing a post I really hoped I would not write because while pregnant I was so determined to give breastfeeding my all no matter what. But here I sit, a constant battle going on inside my head about which path to choose going forward. Breast or Bottle?

Perhaps I should list the pro's and con's I have had with breastfeeding:

Pro's:
- The weight loss is a complete bonus!
- The closeness I feel to my son is amazing.
- I feel a sense of power in knowing that my body is sustaining this precious life.
- That time is ours and ours alone and perfect for bonding.
- I have milk on tap, the right amount and the perfect temperature.

Cons:
- Sadly I have a little boy to bites and fusses at the breast and twists his head around, taking my nipple with him in the process, causing me great pain whereby I have to stick a finger in the corner of his mouth to break the suction on many occassions. There are times, however that he will sit and nurse quietly and I have absolutely no pain but these times are not all that often. Why is he doing this? Is it because sometimes he gets the bottle and he feels its just too much hard work now to get milk from the breast? Either way this is very stressful for me. P.S (it is not something in my diet because sometimes I then take him off the breast and rather express his feed and he will very quietly and calmly drink the whole bottle with no gassiness or pain).
- I feel like I am kind've limited in where I can go as I am not one to breastfeed in public.
- He stretches his feeds out so much that what is supposed to be a 10 minute feed per side turns into an hour or two's feeding session because he loses interest or falls asleep and I have to try work back the couple of minutes he nursed for then when he wakes, add on a few more minutes and so it goes on. I would love if he were hungry that he completed his feed in half an hour, burping included but I know that this is not always possible and babies have their own ideas.

I know you would all tell me to just go with what I feel happy with in the end but I am just so confused at the moment because I really really want breastfeeding to work out but surely I am supposed to get some sort of enjoyment out of it?? I am so worried that I go onto bottles and regret my decision but there would be no turning back once my milk has dried. I have good days and bad days. The day before yesterday was perfect - he would feed like a little angel and I would feel proud at the end of the day that I had it all figured out. Then yesterday comes along and I end up stressed and with very painful nipples from him clamping down on them, pulling them, grunting, groaning and fighting me every step of the way. By last night I was sure I wanted to give it up. Roll on this morning and he has the perfect feed on both sides, no pain, no pulling or fussing - just an angelic little face drinking quietly and then going for a long sleep completely satisfied ... [insert BIG sigh here]

To strike off a few potential questions - yes I have AMPLE milk supply because when I express I only do 10 minutes per side and can yield up to 175ml - (besides the fact that I woke this morning with drenched Pj's over right breast). The paed was very happy with my volume and told me I definately don't have supply problems. Jahni - you mentioned N would pull away if your milk came in while she was nursing? This does not happen with T so I doubt my let-down is strong enough to bother him.

Any clues as to how I can stop this behaviour or what could be causing it would really help and I would be inclined to perservere but sadly if it continues I am not sure I can take the pain or the frustration.

P.S (still haven't had a chance to see a lactation consultant as yet)

xoxoxoxo

Finally - My Update

Okay this could take a while as I have a bit to report back on....

Trent:
I am not sure where to start but we have already done 2 clinic visits and 1 paed visit (yesterday). He has had an eye infection which the paed gave me medicine for yesterday and also some saline spray for his nose as his nose is blocked. Apart from that he is now nearly 1 month and we are both starting to settle into a bit of a routine. Night times however can be a complete different story. Last night was brilliant because he went down at 9pm and only woke at 3am where he drank his full bottle of 125ml, burped and went straight back to sleep. These nights are few and far between however since he mostly prefers to keep me up all night hehe.
He poops and pees like a champ - I mean EVERY single nappy is full of poo and pee - never mind the farting ... he could put others in this house to shame. In fact sometimes I can't help laughing because he farts a little too loud and gives himself such a fright he nearly jumps through the roof!! hehe

He is now weighing a very healthy 4.9kg's and my breastmilk is still ample for him. I was advised by the paed yesterday however, that if I want to continue breastfeeding then I should only give one bottle of formula at night and not two as I have been doing. So I will give the formula at the 10pm or 12 midnight feed and when he wakes at around 4:30am I must breastfeed.

On Friday 17 July we took Trent for a lovely photo shoot (pics to follow).
On Monday 20th July a lady came to the house to take a mould of his hands and feet and I will have them in 4 to 6 weeks (can't wait).


My Recovery:
I am feeling strong and healthy now but must admit that all the comments I had read that your c/s is better after the second day did not hold true for me as I felt I was in a lot of pain for at least the first 10 days. In fact I was walking doubled over for the first 7 days and sometimes needed a hand to stand from a sitting position. This could have been because sometimes I forgot to take my painkillers because once I took them I felt a damn sight better. I had a bit of a relapse on the Monday after coming home and was booked into hospital where they were going to do immediate surgery on my ...... ass area - yes a hemmoroidectomy!! Now I had this operation about 4 years ago and would never ever contemplate doing it again ESPECIALLY when I have a newborn baby to look after. They thought that hemmoroids were causing a blockage which was preventing me well .... doing as nature intended. I was so distraught in the hospital I just cried all afternoon but eventually I went to the toilet and through sheer will I managed to just let go and said a prayer of thanks then and there!! Dr still wanted me to stay overnight and I begged him to let me out and promised him I was cured - shooo - close call. Let me tell you my last surgery took me a month to recover from and every day was sheer agony. Well thank goodness I am now completely recovered albeit a little itchy over c/s scar.


Other than that I am down 13 kg's already and I am thrilled considering its only been three weeks. I am still eating badly but am slowly changing my habits to include lots of veg and salads. I also promise to cut back on the coke .... tomorrow !!

Below I have included quite a lot of pictures of Trents photo shoot for my mom's viewing pleasure.


xoxo

Busy Busy Days

Yes I am here alive and kicking just don't know right now if Im coming or going.

I am feeling so antsy since it is not like me to not update my blog for this length of time and I have so much to report back on that I am worried I will forget. Tomorrow I will definately update all the news post birth but as all new mommies know, this tiny little being demands that the house gets turned right on its head and he will accept no less hehe....

P.S (Pics from photo shoot will also follow tomorrow - can't wait for sister and mom to see them)

P.P.S (Chez - busy loading them on F/B so maybe tomorrow you can take a look)

xoxo

Trent Riley is finally here

Yes I am finally the proud new mommy of my first little boy Trent Riley. What can I say except that I am so in love with him and often catch myself just staring at him in a trance-like state.

The birth story itself is very uneventful and almost seems a little too "planned" when compared to the excitement and unpredictability of the birth of both my girls but either way I loved the experience and I am completely infatuated with the little boy that was my gift at the end of it.

Sunday, the day before my scheduled caesar was a little surreal. There was always an element of doubt that I was actually meeting Trent the following morning but still I went through the motions of making sure the room was completely ready and that my bags were packed perfectly. I lazed around a lot on Sunday and Oli cooked us a lovely beef roast. By Sunday evening the nerves started kicking in and I started thinking of everything that could possibly go wrong - I probably said 50 prayers. I eventually fell asleep at about 11:30pm and was awake again by 3:30am even though my alarm was only set for 4:30am. After trying unsuccessfully to go back to sleep I decided at 4am to get up and bath. I woke Oli up at 5am and it was really nice to not be alone anymore because my nerves were completely frazzled for some reason. We kissed the kids goodbye and were on our way. I was back in bed in the hospital at 6:15am listening to baby's heartbeat and feeling like my own was going to beat a hole in my chest. When they put up the IV line Oli actually got so nauseous and quickly left the ward - just for a tiny bit on blood on my hand? When he got back I told him I hoped he was not going to pass out with the caesar as he needed to take the video. I was told I was going through at 8am and suddenly things just felt like they were haoppening so fast.

Two sister's came in - one armed with a plastic razor and the other with the catheter. I had shaved just about everything off but still she dry shaved me in front which made my skin crawl. I asked the other sister why they were not doing the catheter after the spinal and she said it was my dr. that preferred his patients were completely ready when he came in to operate. So much to my embarrassment and utter discomfort she inserted the catheter there and then - VERY uncomfortable. I still kept feeling like I needed to pee and it burned like hell. I was told it was just because my body was trying to get rid of something foreign. The anaethetist came and met us and I really liked him a lot as he offered to take pictures with the camera for us while Oli manned the video cam.

Before I knew it I was being wheeled into theatre and all the theatre staff were so amazing in trying to relax me - even those that were not going to be in theatre with me. Oli was taken away to get dressed and I was wheeled into the room. The midwife (who I know quite well from around town) was amazing and stood close by me when the spinal was administered. First he cleaned my back with some very cold stuff and then injected a local anesthetic which was a little painful. The midwife had me curl right into her and I felt the needle go very deep into my back - not painful just uncomfortable. It seemed to take a very long time for it to start working and I remember asking him how I would know it had taken fully before they started cutting me and he made a joke that i could just scream if the cutting hurt - I contintued to wiggle my toes at intervals and pannicked when I could still do it. My dr. came in at that point ready to start the procedure but on pinching my lower belly I could still feel it in certain spots so they had to wait. I asked about 3 times where Oli was and they said they would let him in just as soon as the spinal had taken full effect. Finally I could no longer wiggle my toes but I was still amazingly nervous about them cutting me and that I would feel it.

The anaesthetist was amazing at relaxing me by talking to me the whole time. Oli was then let in the room and the camera started rolling - at one point I still asked him how he was feeling and the dr's found it quite funny since I was the one under the knife. All I can say is that I felt every single pull and push sensation (minus the pain) but it was not pretty to feel or listen to. I heard them saying they had to make the cut a little wider because of scar tissue from the previous one so getting through that took a little longer than expected. Before I knew it they had pulled his head out and the comments were flying around the room what a huge baby he was. They struggled to get his shoulders out and at that point the anaesthetist told me I needed to help them push, which I did and his shoulder came out a little like a cork on a champagne bottle....

All I waited for was the first cry and he did not disappoint me.... it was a gurgled little cry but I just burst into tears the minute I heard it. Dr held him up and I got the briefest look at him before they took him to the table to clean him and give him oxygen. They allowed Oli to cut the cord shorter at the table and I remember he told me he couldn't believe how strong the cord was. I also heard comments about my placenta and how big it was, my dr actually said "for such a big baby you needed such a big healthy placenta". After Trent was wrapped Oli brought him to me to look at and again the tears just flowed. The midwife and Oli then left for the nursery and I remember feeling so alone. I just wanted to hold and be with my baby but I was trapped. The stitching me back up seemed to take forever but that could have also been because I was feeling cheated that I had as yet not got to hold baby and hadn't seen his face properly.

I was wheeled into recovery thereafter and kept asking the nurses there when I could leave. They checked my b/p about 4 times and I was ready to start screaming for them to let me go because the one nurse was training another one so they were very thorough with their checks with me and taking added time .... time that I would much rather use bonding with my brand new baby. Finally they asked the anaesthetist if I could go and he said yes. The corridor seemed to go on forever and finally I got wheeled into my ward. My FIL and both my girls were already there and had seen him and I know this may sound very strange to say but I was a little grumpy about that. I would have loved to have been there with him introducing him to my girls, seeing their expressions the very first time they laid eyes on him but I guess it was not to be. That and the fact my FIL got to see him before I had even seen him did not sit that well with me. Oh well - it was all over when the the midwife brought him from the nursery and put him in my arms.... everything else just slipped away - it was just him and I at that moment. When I was told how much he weighed I simply could not believe it. 4.2kg's is very big but to me he still looked like a small newborn baby albeit a little on the chubby side. 52cm's in length and a 36cm head circumference. His apgar was 9/10 and then 10/10 so all was healthy.

I was pretty helpless that first day due to the catheter and the IV and hardly slept because I felt like I was in a drug induced state was awake but up in the clouds if that makes sense - not a nice feeling. They looked after Trent in the nursery that night which was a God-send because I just couldn't have done it. They let me breastfeed at 10:30pm and then I told them to just top up with formula through the night, which they did in a small cup. Early hours of the morning they took the IV out and then at 4:30am they took the catheter out. It was so wonderful to stand up have a shower - even though my legs initially did not want to carry me. After my shower things deteriorated rapidly. The ward was incredibly busy that day and my husband was busy at work so popped in for a very short morning visit and only came back again late afternoon. During the day I had no help because the staff were busy and I had no visitors to help me pick him up and put him down without causing more pain to my already very sore c/s cut. The pain of having gas was absolutely terrible and I had to keep asking for something to take it away ... my stomach was so bloated I felt I was going to explode. Then suddenly early afternoon I got the runs - badly!!! Picture it - baby cryng for milk all time time and me running to the toilet every five minutes - sitting in the toilet having to hear my baby cryng for me down the hall. Trying to hurry back to him to give him the breast when my stomach was in so much pain. Just getting him settled on the breast and the cramps to go to the toilet starting again. Nipples starting to crack up at a rapid rate so very sore nipples to add to all the other problems. Oli arrived at 3pm with Morgan for his visit and I was so glad to see him as I needed all the help I could get. He had to leave to finish something up at the office (which is 5 minutes away) and asked if he could leave Morgan with me - BIG MISTAKE!!!!!! I wanted to say no but felt bad for her so I said yes but told him he needed to make sure he was not longer than half an hour. Well there I was alone with baby and Morgan and the stomach cramps started again and I needed to run to the toilet. Baby was awake and trying to feed again and I didn't want to leave him alone with her so I sat with a dilemma again and at this point I just wanted to sit down and cry!!! I called Oli and told him to get back to the hospital PRONTO!!! When he got there I was on the verge of breaking down but what eventually did it was when he calmly told me that some friends Paul and Kathy were coming to see me during visiting hours that night. I lost it with him and went through the whole day's events (crying through it all by the way) and told him he was the most insensitive person on earth that he just expected me to pop a baby out and carry on as normal, putting on smiles for every Tom, Dick and Harry that decides to visit. Of course he tried to argue with me .... once again BIG MISTAKE!!!! I actually kicked him out .... hehehe - can't remember my words but told him to get out and not come back.

I managed to catch up ever so slightly on some much needed sleep that night so by the following day things were looking positive again. Trent and I had bonded so well during the night because he slept with me and we did our own little photo shoots in the middle of the night. I decided the following day that I was rather going to go home and not stay the final night - it was just too much and I have a brilliant support system at home and felt my recovery would be quicker there. I have a wonderful live-in maid Anna and of course my teen daughter so was more than ready to go home. My bandage had torn from all the moving around the day before so dr had them redress me. While they were doing that Oli (who very wisely did not mention my previous night's outburst) sat in the corridor with Trent and the paed happened to walk past while he was there and commented that Trent looked a little yellow and he wanted to check him. Bloods were ordered and a few minutes later a lady came from the lab and took him to the nursery where she was to draw blood. She pricked his heel and couldn't get blood to come out and all I heard was Trent screaming blue murder - I burst into tears and told Oli I couldn't take it anymore because his crying just wouldn't stop. My heart was breaking :o(( She then pricked him AGAIN but this time in his arm to try get the blood from there and once again both Trent and I were hysterical. Damn I wanted to kill that woman!! When I got him back I kept telling him how sorry I am (by the way he had terrible bruising on his heel because of this). We obviously then couldn't leave as planned because we had to wait for the results so Oli went back to work and Trent and I fell asleep again. Eventually the results came back and thank God he was fine - no jaundice so I was over the moon we did not have to spend another night.

We came straight home and I got back into pj's and straight back into bed. I had the most relaxing afternoon sleep while Oli lay next to me with Trent. I had breastfed just before sleeping so whenever he moaned Oli gave him a dummy and he was fine until I woke up.

I have to post news on my days at home but since this post has already been so long I will stop here and update again very soon including stories on breastfeeding, c/s pain, slight fevers and indescribable love...

I love this little boy so much it scares me .... every part of my being just wants to protect him. God has been good to us ... we are truly blessed.