Men!!

Is this the right place to be airing my dirty laundry? I'm really not sure but hey is this not the reason I started this blog? My online diary? A day in my life? Perhaps this post is the next best thing to writing it down on paper then burning it - therapeutic.

What is it with men and sex? Yes I know I haven't exactly been giving it up like a good wife should since I fell pregnant. First there was the complete exhaustion and then in the last trimester I just felt so fat and ugly and he did absolutely nothing to make me feel any different. In fact if I recall during a fight at that time I was told I was fat! Fat? No honey - just pregnant and terribly hurt thank you. Perhaps I am not fully over the fact that he made my pregnancy so miserable and I am holding on to it instead of just letting it go. Even the birth is something that still sits badly with me - I just feel it was not as special to him as the birth of his daughter. On day two in the hospital he invites friends to come and see me without asking me first. As anybody who has had a c/s knows, day 2 is the worst possible day for visitors! This starts an argument and I was utterly astounded at how selfish he was being telling me that I am such a difficult person and thats why my family didn't bother to come for the birth!! What the fuck is with that after I just gave him a beautiful son?????

I just feel like my life is spinning out of control and my only hope of happiness is packing my kids up and leaving him. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is a constant battle between us. Is he jealous of Trent? I'm pretty damn sure he is. He NEVER baths him, NEVER changes a nappy unless asked, NEVER helps me get nighttime bottles ready, knows NOTHING about his routine and automatically asks for the bottle when Trent cries when all he needs is the dummy, a hug and a sleep. I've given up asking for anything from him but the other night I was exhausted because we had gone out to friends the night before and had drinks but he gets his afternoon sleep while I look after Trent and then at 8pm when I just wanted to drop into bed I suddenly remembered bottles had not been prepared and told him. He continues lying next to me, refreshed from his afternoon sleep, watching TV. I had had enough!! After getting the bottles ready I got back into bed and told him that I really feel he is an absent father with Trent and if I had wanted to be a single mother I would have. I always get the same bullshit over and over again about how hard he works - according to him he is the hardest working man he knows. He owns a service centre and gets in early and is home by 6:30pm. Every night he walks in, gives a big sigh and then the pity party begins - Oh what a tough day I've had, me me me me me!!!! No FUCK YOU what about my day?????? How the FUCK do you think your son is growing so nicely? Then the cherry on top .... yes wait for it "You are the mother and it is YOUR JOB to do everything for the children, I am the breadwinner and while I earn the money YOU RESPECT ME!!" Since I have never been one to bite my tongue I was furious to say the least! I asked him what the point was of him working so "hard" if he has no time to appreciate his family. I also told him that I believe he is resentful that he even has a family because without having to support it he would not have to work as hard. I told him he is resentful of Trent because I give that little baby my all!!! I reminded him that he is an adult man capable of looking after himself (after I was told that HE should be my priority) I told him I was very sorry to burst his bubble but that Trent was my priority and NOT him as Trent is completely dependant on me. If Trent happens to be awake when DH wants sex it becomes MY FAULT! I am supposed to just leave him to cry so I can satisfy this mans needs. This he knows full well I refuse flatly to do.
I get told I am lazy and do nothing all day long even though I am on PAID maternity leave - apparently this is a cardinal sin. Even better - about a month ago he blew up because supper was not ready and waiting for his royal arrival. Yes fellow bloggers, I had a c/s and was breastfeeding and as we all know that first month the feedings are very erratic and you cannot simply put the baby down and expect them to understand that because their daddy is walking his important, hard-worked fucking ass through that front door in the next half an hour, mommy simply cannot feed you because daddy's stomach and paralysed fingers are far too important for me to worry about a small thing such as your hunger!!!!
Yes I thought things were going better and honestly I don't want him looking after Trent anyway because he is completely clueless about Trent's routine!! When we arrive somewhere guess who carries Trent in? Yes not me - daddy dearest!! Look at me everybody, I am a doting father, look how big my boy is getting. True story! 5 minutes later after everybody is finished cooing over Trent guess what? He hands him back to me.

Am I over this man? Is this why I withold sex? Or could it be that this is the only aspect of my life I feel I have control over? I am slipping into depression and feel that a marriage councellor may even be too late for us.

Yes tomorrow may very well bring a better day but for now I am so over this shit they call marriage - a true partnership it definately isn't!!!