A Weekend Filled with Worry

So Friday afternoon I get a call from my gynae and immediately get a sinking feeling in my heart when I hear it is the doctor himself and not the receptionist. I first thought he was calling regarding the scan I had done a little earlier at his same hospital but with the sonographer and that perhaps he would have preferred I tell him. No it was a little worse than that. He was checking over my results for my downs screen and wanted to let me know that I should perhaps consider an amnio. My scan was perfect and the Nuchal fold was 1.3mm which he was happy with but I'm guessing the results that came back from the bloods were the issue. I have a 1 in 895 chance of a downs baby and although he tried his best to reassure me that he was happy with the figure and in his opinion would not even go for the amnio - my mind went into overdrive. You do NOT want to hear downs and the baby you are carrying, in once sentence. I tried my best to remain calm and in the face of it all I still managed to ask important and intelligent questions. Who would perform the amnio? How long for the results? What are the risks? What are my other options?
He said that he would see me on Tuesday and do a scan to see where placenta and baby were lying and if it looked simple enough then he would do it. If complex then he would send me to a fetologist in Durban who would do a level 2 ultrasound which is a very detailed scan that checks all of baby's measurements.
Now first of all since we are not offered genetic councelling here automatically, those figures scared the shit out of me because I had nothing to compare them to and just automatically assumed they were bad. I did a lot of googling and asked the question on a few pregnancy sites and the answers I received made me feel so much better. There is actually nothing wrong at all with my numbers but they take my age into consideration and since I am 38 I guess it is their job to make sure they cover all bases.
I do not want the gynae to be sticking needles anywhere near my baby so tomorrow when i go for my appointment I will ask him for a referral to the specialist in Durban. I know I probably have nothing to worry about but i guess with me not having been asked these questions with my two girls, its all very new to me and not something I want to deal with. I don't have a choice, I have to deal with this - its a normal process for older mothers and in all honesty, I would really rather know and move forward from there than be blissfully unaware and further down the line when all kinds of bonds are developing, find out and feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.
Until tomorrow I am being strong and trying very hard to have a positive outlook. In fact yesterday I pulled out Morgan's pram, camp cot and 2 baby car chairs (0-6mnths) from the storeroom, pulled all the covers off and washed them in the bath thoroughly. The camp cot and the base of the pram and chairs were put outside for the gardener to scrub and hose down (and only with sunlight mind you!!).
Once I was done only washing half the stuff the bath water was black!! When I first pulled the stuff out I almost wanted to throw it away but last night after everything was cleaned it looked brand new. I have put the camp cot up in the spareroom and all the baby's little bits and pieces and going in there so they don't fall into that black hole in our house and join all the other missing objects.

I bought baby's first babygro on Saturday - it is blue but I figured if its a girl she can still wear blue. It was just something I needed to do to make things more real. In fact the whole cleanup yesterday has brought much excitement into the house.