Bitter Sweet Discovery

So after my post on Monday I decided I just couldn't wait any longer and when i left work I headed straight back to the sonographer at the Margate Hospital in the hope that today would be the day we would finally know if we are on the pink or blue team.

I arrived at 2pm to an extremely busy X-ray department and with the Dr having arrived late there was a bit of a backlog. I waited patiently (NOT one of my virtue's I assure you), but I figured with patients suffering from pheumonia or broken bones all around me I really had no right to stand up and demand that the only dr stop what he's doing to look between my baby's legs. Well at 3pm after watching some people go in for sonar's that had arrived well after me I decided to go back into the reception and ask where in the queue my file was? Honestly, she looked at me with shock since it seems I had been forgotten. She raced me through to the hallway outside the dr's rooms while she spoke to him. Just in front of me was an old lady with sparse gray hair in a wheelchair coughing a smoker's cough into a paper towel. Clearly she was just a second away from being wheeled in to get her US (possibly of her lungs) and here I was feeling rather guilty as the sister hurried me into a changing cubicle to put on a gown and straight onto the bed next to the sonar while sparsed haired old lady in question continuted her throaty cough outside [insert shameful expression here]. Dr came in immediately and was extremely rushed (which is understandable) so I began to pray while he coated my stomach with gel, that baby would have its legs open and ready the minute we got started because I assumed that if this was not the case Dr. would simply not have the time to hunt around for it.
.... and guess what ... before dr. even said anything ... as he put the probe on my abdomen I saw a little something!!! I was sure of it. Dr moved around a little and Voila!!! What a good little boy ... lying there with legs wide open for me. The whole process probably took a minute if that but we managed to get two pictures and dr. was pretty damn confident that this was a boy.



And for the close up ......


So needless to say the mood was really lifted after I got my pictures - I went to fetch Oli from work and told him I had just been.. when he asked what it was i said "It's a girl!!!" hehehe .. he said to me "don't lie" and I assured him it was so ever the diplomat he leaned forward to kiss me and said "well congratulations doll" - I just couldn't maintain myself anymore so told him ITS A BOY.....! He was over the moon and on the trip home we started calling close family and friends. Marlene was out shopping when I called her so when I saw her later that day to collect Kaylah from her she gave me a little present .... a little pair of shorts with a T-shirt and socks - soooooo cute it brought tears to my eyes. But all this and still that nagging unsettled feeling deep in my gut about tomorrow's app. with the gynae and what questions or answers it may bring...

Baby's first present ..

A Weekend Filled with Worry

So Friday afternoon I get a call from my gynae and immediately get a sinking feeling in my heart when I hear it is the doctor himself and not the receptionist. I first thought he was calling regarding the scan I had done a little earlier at his same hospital but with the sonographer and that perhaps he would have preferred I tell him. No it was a little worse than that. He was checking over my results for my downs screen and wanted to let me know that I should perhaps consider an amnio. My scan was perfect and the Nuchal fold was 1.3mm which he was happy with but I'm guessing the results that came back from the bloods were the issue. I have a 1 in 895 chance of a downs baby and although he tried his best to reassure me that he was happy with the figure and in his opinion would not even go for the amnio - my mind went into overdrive. You do NOT want to hear downs and the baby you are carrying, in once sentence. I tried my best to remain calm and in the face of it all I still managed to ask important and intelligent questions. Who would perform the amnio? How long for the results? What are the risks? What are my other options?
He said that he would see me on Tuesday and do a scan to see where placenta and baby were lying and if it looked simple enough then he would do it. If complex then he would send me to a fetologist in Durban who would do a level 2 ultrasound which is a very detailed scan that checks all of baby's measurements.
Now first of all since we are not offered genetic councelling here automatically, those figures scared the shit out of me because I had nothing to compare them to and just automatically assumed they were bad. I did a lot of googling and asked the question on a few pregnancy sites and the answers I received made me feel so much better. There is actually nothing wrong at all with my numbers but they take my age into consideration and since I am 38 I guess it is their job to make sure they cover all bases.
I do not want the gynae to be sticking needles anywhere near my baby so tomorrow when i go for my appointment I will ask him for a referral to the specialist in Durban. I know I probably have nothing to worry about but i guess with me not having been asked these questions with my two girls, its all very new to me and not something I want to deal with. I don't have a choice, I have to deal with this - its a normal process for older mothers and in all honesty, I would really rather know and move forward from there than be blissfully unaware and further down the line when all kinds of bonds are developing, find out and feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.
Until tomorrow I am being strong and trying very hard to have a positive outlook. In fact yesterday I pulled out Morgan's pram, camp cot and 2 baby car chairs (0-6mnths) from the storeroom, pulled all the covers off and washed them in the bath thoroughly. The camp cot and the base of the pram and chairs were put outside for the gardener to scrub and hose down (and only with sunlight mind you!!).
Once I was done only washing half the stuff the bath water was black!! When I first pulled the stuff out I almost wanted to throw it away but last night after everything was cleaned it looked brand new. I have put the camp cot up in the spareroom and all the baby's little bits and pieces and going in there so they don't fall into that black hole in our house and join all the other missing objects.

I bought baby's first babygro on Saturday - it is blue but I figured if its a girl she can still wear blue. It was just something I needed to do to make things more real. In fact the whole cleanup yesterday has brought much excitement into the house.

Scan at Sonographer

I think its clear as day by now how impatient I am - so I decided to meet hubby at the sonographer for a gender scan. Firstly the sisters told me to make sure my bladder was completely full so I obliged by drinking 1 Liqui Fruit and two glasses of water while filling out my forms. By the time we they took us through and I had changed into my gown and lay on the bed next to the sonar machine, I was in such agony from my full bladder. The doctor in question was in the office next door chatting away on the phone and all the while my bladder was just getting fuller and fuller. I tried to tell Oli to call a sister to find out if I could just empty it a little but he was just too embarrassed to do any such thing and actually commented to me that it couldn't be that bad. Well 5 more minutes and that was me - crying and in absolute agony and all he could do was stand at the door embarrassed as all hell.
Eventually the doctor walked in while I was dabbing my eyes with a big rough piece of paper towel and he asked me how my bladder was - although I wanted to rip his head off I responded meekly how much pain I was in. He tried briefly but really could not see anything so allowed me to slip off to the toilet and completely empty my bladder. What a damn relief!!!!!!!!
Now this is what gets me - he starts again, this time with my bladder completely empty and lo and behold - the view of the baby is so much clearer than when the bladder is full. Why the hell do they make you fill your bladder when you are 16 weeks along??? Maybe when baby is still a little bean and down in your pelvis yes but not when your uterus has moved up into your abdomen.

Anyway first of all baby was not cooperating but since I had just eaten a chocolate on the way there baby was very active so eventually moved. We were all convinced it was a boy by the clear-as-day toilet shot but then baby decided to play games with us and straightened his/her legs and guess what? boy bits disappeared... *sigh* Well dr said we mustn't pay but must come back again Monday or Tuesday and he will try again so hopefully before this week is out I will know pink or blue.

Pictures below - any ideas?
(Click pic to enlarge)

Progesterone headaches - Is it a boy?

Well yesterday morning the damn municipality had turned the water off again so when I woke up to bath and get ready for work - no water!! I flipped my lid and of course Oli just said the wrong thing - something along the lines of "I don't see why you should make such a big deal out of it" Well that was me - screaming at him and then crying softly in bed about how unfair life is ... hmmmm hormones?? wow - not good! Needless to say I decided I would not budge until I had had my bath but it seems that my "panic attack" brought on the worst headache imaginable that made me want to vommit and it just wouldn't budge the whole damn day so coupled with the water problem I took the day off work. I took a panado which did nothing except make me fall asleep around 9am for about an hour and wake up with the same headache, so took another panado effervescent. I decided to try something I had read about and have a cup of coffee around 1pm as the caffiene is supposed to constrict the blood vessels which take the headache away - I'm not sure if it worked because I had a big glass of water straight afterwards and it seemed to help A LOT!

I decided while the going was good to get the groceries done at the Spar (just across the road as I didn't trust myself to drive too far in case the headache returned). After I got home it came back but this time a lot worse than before - I got the maid Anna to unpack the groceries and I just lay down again on the bed nauseous as all hell from the all-consuming pain in my head. I took another two panado capsules and fell asleep .. waking up at around 4:30pm to THANK THE LORD a clear head ... no headache!!

This morning I was very disappointed to wake up nauseous and with no energy to get moving. Kaylah also seemed a little nauseous this morning so I was worried the meat I had cooked last night may have been off. She recovered fairly quickly and I got to work still feeling like shit. I decided to order a coke for the caffeine as I also felt another headache fast approaching - this did the trick and both nausea and headache went away. I decided anyway to pop in to Dr Chetty (the GP) for a quick check-up .. yes I know .. he's not my dr and I never heed any of his advice as he is by no means a specialist Obgyn but he does have a scanner and I am DESPERATE to find out the sex of baby so off I went.
Trying to act very interested as he waffled on and on about my headaches being due to stress blah blah blah when I know they are due to increased progesterone and are a very normal side-effect in pregnancy. Finally!! He starts to scan.
Is it just me or is it normal for pregnant ladies to hold their breath the first instant before they see baby move or heart beating strongly? Well I do it all the time and today was no exception!! hehehe
I ate a chocolate before the scan just to make sure baby moved legs around a lot so we could get the "money" shot. Well I told dr. to try the toilet shot and knowing full well he is not a specialist since he told me the only way to tell the difference is a boy has a penis and a girl has nothing .... picture of my response to follow below ...





WTF are you on dude - quick lesson to follow ...

Here we can clearly see a penis between baby's legs... there is just no mistaking that - those little things you can see right by the arrows are baby's fingers!!!


and here is the money shot of little girl bits .. now rather than there being "nothing" to see, there are three distinct white lines between the legs ... these are what the sonographer would use to determine if its a girl NOT the fact that there are no dangly bits between the legs.

So there you have it ... now moving back to the scan. I strained my eyes while he was doing the toilet shot and I really kept seeing a little something similiar to boy bits above but then the confusion set in when I saw lines similiar to girl bits above. Dr. said he was 70% sure it's a boy but after seeing the lines I have serious doubts. My gut feel? that its a girl.. but bear in mind my gut feel with both my daughters were that they were boys so I'm thinking to go opposite to the gut this time and perhaps it will be a boy. Yes yes Im agonising over this because I am JUST.SO.IMPATIENT to find out.

Pleeeeeease Just.put.me.outa.my.misery!!!


Alright alright ... I'm done being all dramatic now but damn Im just as confused as I was before I went in. I guess I will just have to wait until my 3D on 30 Jan *sigh*. Oh on the bright side the head circumference measured at 15w4d ... and I am 15 weeks today so that's good. Another point is that I only have a 50% chance of being wrong with gender hehehe.

Baby Girl Grows Up

Today was a very hard day for me because my little baby girl went to Grade R which is the grade before Grade 1. She does not need to wear a uniform but has to wear a red t-shirt with the school name on it and the blue PT shorts with white socks and takkies. Her school bag also has the school name on it and looks soooooo big for her. The school goes right up to Matric (grade 12) so her big sister is in the same school (grade 9) and promised to go say hello to her at break time.
Although Morgan was very excited and woke up in a brilliant mood I could see she was feeling a little shy when we left her in her classroom. Her teacher seems wonderful and Im sure Morgan will be very happy there but I, on the other hand, was very clingy and just wanted to hug her all the time. Oli and his father were also there and I hardly gave them a chance to say goodbye lol ... After we said goodbye and started leaving the tears just poured and I really had to keep my head down because of all the parents wandering the halls. So as I write this ..yes my mood is very low..
While I was driving from the school to work I felt baby moving around quite a lot almost as if to say "Hey ... don't worry ..I'm here" and I smiled for the first time this morning.
I just can't wait for her to get back this afternoon so I can find out how she enjoyed her first day.. pictures will follow shortly

NT Results

Tuesday last week I received my doppler so tried it out on Tuesday night. At the time I thought it was baby's heartbeat I was hearing and have since discovered, after a little practice that it was in fact, the blood swishing through the placenta and another time it was my own pulse. Only around Thursday, after first listening to my own heartbeat and then slowly moving the doppler around on my lower abdomen, I heard the unmistakable sound of baby's heartbeat which could be likened to galloping hooves or a steam train .... a precious moment for me indeed and I closed my eyes and savoured it.

On Friday I decided to take a chance and call the lab for my results and they were in so I quickly called the Dr's rooms and all checks out!!! The Joy!! - finally I actually felt I could begin to relax and stop worrying so much.

I have started to feel regular movments in my lower belly which I am almost 100% sure is baby - there is just that element of doubt because its still very infrequent. Last night I was lying on the bed and I could have sworn it was party time in there - I felt a lot of little flutters but when I laid my hand on my belly - nothing... I guess its still early days to feel much on the outside but I can't wait until baby and I can start playing games with eachother and more so for when Oli and the kids can see movement. Morgan seems to have become my protector lately and dotes on me all the time, constantly giving me and baby kisses (something she never really enjoyed because play was waiting hehehe).

I have booked my 3D scan for 30 January so I really am hoping that baby comes to the party and opens legs a little for us to see what's down there. I mean, Im really so excited to start doing a nursery for baby because even though its still pretty early I feel I have done absolutely nothing yet and need this to make everything more real if that makes any sense. Another thing would be baby names - I am dying to get started trying out different names and thusfar have only come up with two maybe's but they are both girl's names. I guess I would have 50% less work once I know what Im having.

Healthwise - Im doing incredibly well - even the heartburn is nowhere near as bad as with Morgan (it started in the first trimester with her). I still suffer from headaches very often but try water or a snack very soon after I feel one building up and it seems to help a little. I have also found now in the second trimester that if I change position or get up too quickly I get dizzy spells.... both of these symptoms are pretty normal and very easy to live with. The carpel tunnel syndrome I was experiencing in the first trimester seems to have dissipated for now.

P.S. *****BABY'S MOVING RIGHT NOW!! LOL ... Wow feels amazing...!!

Food wise I am trying to make healthy choices and have not put on any weight in 3 weeks - so far my total gained is 4kg's which is on the high side of normal so lets hope my appetite does not explode now in the second trimester. I am eating a lot of Oude Cape Low GI seed bread or rye bread and honestly I enjoy it soooo much more than white bread. Thankfully I also do not seem to have the stomach for takeaways such as toasted sandwiches and chips or home cooked food that has too much oil in it. I'm also loving my meusli lately and must say - all the fiber Im packing is really relieving this terrible constipation I've been suffering. I keep a can of Agiolax in the kitchen and was using it pretty often but have found in the last two weeks I have not had to touch it at all. I seem to have gone off any kind of fizzy drinks and actually prefer water or fruit juice. So it seems my body is on the right track this time and craving all the healthy choices. Lets just hope it continues along this path because God knows how long it took me to lose my Morgan weight [watch this space].


Just look at the difference in two weeks - the first pic is 12 Weeks and the second is 14 weeks ..

Second Trimester

Hello again

I have not been in for a week I guess because I have been a little lazy to write so will have to cram my weeks activities in here. Last Friday I developed a bad ear infection so decided to go to the doctor in the morning. Kaylah was with me at work so she came along and I told her that since the gp I am going to has the scanner there I will rather just get a scan to make sure everything is still a-okay. Baby was moving around so much it was wonderful to see again. Dr did a couple of measurements but this time measured head circumference rather than crown rump. These measurements pushed me forward a little as I walked in there 12w4d and after the measurements I was at about 13w1d so I was pretty darn chuffed. Needless to say I had to keep my sneaky scan a secret as Oli hates when I go for scans unnecessarily.

The weekend was spent with friends on the river. They camped out for the weekend but we just went to braai with them on the Saturday and again on the Sunday. I must be very honest though... I really find it difficult to be around people who are getting drunk and on Sunday (Oli included) my friends were getting drunk and a little stupid. At one point I snapped at Oli about something, he then went somewhere with my friends husband to collect something and while I was sitting around the fire one of the ladies (who had her son 17 yrs ago I feel the need to add) decides after half a bottle of whiskey that her opinion counts. She then says to me "You know ... we've all been pregnant and I think you should just get over it"!!! Fuck!!! I was floored.... I was so spitting mad I nearly got into my car and went home but instead I responded sarcastically "Get over WHAT exactly??" and she quickly kept quiet about it then proceeded to arse creep me which pissed me off even more. Needless to say shortly after that she went to her husbands car and passed out so I had to remind myself not to take what she said to heart but to pity her instead. Oli was surprisingly well-behaved and decided to leave with me at 7pm even though he was having a good old time.

Monday my NT scan at 4pm with the gynae ... and I was very nervous. We arrived there and I told him I have picked up 4 kg's - his reply was "Oh - did you have a good Christmas?" and he went on about eating sweets during pregnancy and how that might cause the baby to have diabetes later in life so I have since cut out the sweets and I am not going to eat too much fruit either which can be just as bad. Oli, Kaylah and Morgan were all in the little darkened room with me while dr was looking at baby so it was very special for them and Morgan kept blowing me little kisses - hehehe so sweet. We checked the neck fold and it measured at 1.3mm which is a great sign of a normal healthy baby. Little arms were waving around and at one point baby had hand on head like he/she was thinking ..... see below.

I am now just waiting for my blood results and until then will not fully relax (for now that is - until the next batch of tests at week 16). I just tried to call them and was told there is a backlog at the lab.... grrrr ... this means I may not even get them tomorrow.

Tiny Bubbles

12 WEEKS

Hello world

Yesterday afternoon I went to Reggies to get my Discovery Baby pack which is a free gift from the medical aid and I couldn't wait to get home to open it and view its contents. Another gift from them is either a 0-6 month car seat or a toddler car seat with 60% knocked off the price - what a bargain!!! I took Morgan with me and we spent some quality time looking around all the shops. Of course she wanted everything she saw which is perfectly normal but in the end I bought her a cute little pair of white sunglasses with red hearts. We also stopped and got a lunch-bar and a coke zero each.

I opened the bag just as soon as I got home and was very excited with the contents. A beautiful Johnson's pregnancy and baby book with all kinds of information on your pregnancy and baby up until 3 yrs old. Included in that was a DVD on household safety (a must for any parents), a baby CD called Majors for Minors (classical sleepy time music), some sample disposable panties, breast shields, wet wipes, a book for dad, a cute little book for baby, creams, a "baby on board" sticker for rear-view window and of course some really good discount vouchers on pampers for all sizes. I honestly felt my heart swell again ... all that stuff including the little "congratulations" card just made this seem like it was finally real.

I am just counting down the days until my big NT U/S on Tuesday and also because I need to know that my baby's heart is still beating strong. I really want to believe that all pregnant woman are as paranoid as me because sometimes I feel very stupid for it.

Last night my fears were put to rest for a while as I lay relaxing in bed. I am sure I have started feeling little movements already and although they are difficult to describe they sort of feel like flutters sometimes but most often it feels like a little movement - mostly on my left side and within where my uterus would be at 12 weeks. When I feel the movement my hand automatically goes to my stomach because I think its my uterus contracting (which I also love to feel) but on feeling, my uterus is still soft. Last night I got the exact same sensation that another lady described the other day. It was a much smaller version of how your stomach would feel when you suddenly go over a bump ... like it did a little flip. Now I know there are skeptics out there but since this is my third child and I know what to look for I am quite sure it is not gas. I have been suffering terribly with gas too so am familiar with the gas bubbles (and outbursts) which are in a different place to these little movements ... that almost whisper "I'm here mommy - growing strong".

New Year Celebrations

Well it seemed my extreme fatigue and nausea had most certainly become a thing of the past and instead of worrying so much I tried to convince myself that I was just lucky and should be grateful it was going so smoothly. The same cannot be said for my pregnant belly which has seemed to pop out from nowhere and I look at least 2 months ahead of what I am. I have had serious constipation problems and gassiness too so I guess a lot of it is also bloat (this is what I've read so I'm sticking to it).
So Wednesday night at our local ski-boat club we were having a huge New Years Eve party with lots of food and meat on the spit. We sat out on the balcony right on the beachfront and watched the people down below setting off their fireworks, which was pretty spectacular. Sadly I did not see the New Year in but instead asked my husband to take me and little one home at 10:30pm. I do remember waking at 12 midnight to the loud banging of fireworks all over and wishing I was with them all drinking and celebrating. Being there amongst all my friends and not being able to drink and smoke with them was pretty damn hard for me so forgive me if I say I was glad the festive season had come to an end. By no means am I ungratful that I am pregnant and quite frankly I seem to have gone off the alcohol quite a bit but its just a little difficult sitting watching my husband and friends get drunk and silly and just not finding any of their antics amusing at all, in fact sometimes pretty damn stupid.
Oli decided to get home at 4:45am New Years Day so needless to say he was very unpopular with me as it messed up New Years Day, which we did not spend together due to the argument. I spent the whole day crying and feeling very sorry for myself (hormones) so it was not a good day at all for me. On Saturday I decided to pack the girls up and go visit my sister who was holidaying an hour up the coast. It was wonderful to get away and I really needed the time out from Oli to pull myself together. We stayed over on Saturday night and only came back late Sunday afternoon. Oli seemed pretty happy to see us and everything was sorted out.

Parents come to visit

On Boxing day I started worrying excessively again as i really did not "feel" pregnant anymore. Husband was out for the day and I sat at home crying about the pregnancy. On Saturday morning I told him that I had to quickly go to the gp again and it was just something he was going to have to tolerate with me since after my miscarriage I was no longer that innocent trusting person that believed my pregnancy was a breeze... anything could go wrong.

He decided to drive me there and once again my mind was put to rest... I was sooo convinced this time that it was all over and that I had caused it by overexerting myself leading up to Christmas and on Christmas day so again the overwhelming excitement and relief I felt upon seeing the heartbeat washed over me. Baby moved too and did a kind of cartwheel which put the biggest grin on my face. Of course I got a big lecture from doctor and husband about stressing the baby out with all my worrying and of course their words went straight out the other ear.... they were not going through this... I was and I would do what I needed to do to put my mind at ease.

I could not wait for Sunday 28th as my mom and dad were coming to stay for two days and I had not seen them in nearly a year. We had a lot of catching up to do and on Sunday we all just relaxed and chatted about the bady etc.

Monday was mom's birthday so we took her out to lunch. My husband had to go back to work afterwards and my dad was suffering with a sudden throat infection again so we took him to the Hospital casualy doctor where he waited for a considerable length of time. This particular day I had been feeling absolutely awful. I had started suffering terrible headaches and this day was probably one of the worst episodes. Earlier in the day I had started getting menstral type cramps around my lower stomach too so coupled with the headaches I was really starting to worry again. Since my obgyn was based at the same hospital where my dad went I decided to pop in to him and find out what other pills I can take besides panado to relieve these headaches. When I mentioned the cramps he said he would prefer to do a scan as cramping is not theoretically a normal thing. Of course you know by now that I was pretty excited about another scan so went into his office very willingly. Wow - since his machine was a lot more state-of-the-art than gp's machine I could see a lot more detail and baby was being very active.

My gynae decided to do a quick check of the neck and although it was not the detailed scan still due, he did mention to me that he was very happy with the measurement .... what a nice bit of news for me.

Spring Cleaning and Christmas Feast

Monday 15th Dec I started the big clean-out in my house and have no idea where I got the sudden burst of energy. According to my calculations I was 9 weeks along and could not understand why I had so much energy and suddenly no nausea, yet with my two previous pregnancies those awful symptoms plagued me right up to 12 weeks and suddenly stopped almost as if by the flick of a switch. Again the worrying started a little since without all those symptoms I just did not feel pregnant. My breasts, however, were still extremely tender but still that did not make me feel better as after too much reading I surmised that even if baby dies in-utero and your pregnancy signs start to disappear, the breast tenderness is the last to go. Well I tried not to think too hard about it and the week went by in a flash with a lot of junk being thrown out and the house starting to really take shape.
The following week I was back at work on Monday and Tuesday before Christmas although my boss let me go home very early both days, so on Tuesday afternoon myself and the girls finally decorated the Christmas tree and by Tuesday night there were lights everywhere, wreaths on the doors, father Christmas in the entrance and of course, Christmas music playing in the background. Finally Christmas was here. On Wednesday I did some last minute shopping with kids and Oli and the shops were an absolute nightmare to be in. But finally we had everything sorted out and my wonderful husband gave into my begging and bought me an i-pod for Christmas.

Christmas Eve we went to some friends for dinner but I left pretty early due to a painful lower back which was something that troubled me with the last pregnancy too.
I am not sure how I got through Christmas day but we had friends around for lunch and some others that popped in and decided to stay for lunch as well. The whole morning was spent in the hot kitchen cooking turkey, gammon, roast potatoes, vegetables etc. The kids decorated the table with crackers, hats and lots of other little Christmas goodies. It was a great success but by late afternoon when the crowd started to drink shooters and get the party started I was just ready to fall asleep on my feet. Everybody left by about 5pm as they had other parties to attend and I must admit to being pretty relieved that i could just lie on the bed and channel surf..... sleep came quickly that night

So Tired

I haven't been feeling up to anything at all. I seem to have my appetite around lunch time and when it comes to dinner I can't stomach too much food. Im trying to watch my weight with this pregnancy as I started off a little on the heavy side and cannot afford to put on as much as I did with Morgan.
The kids are on school holiday's now and all I can do when I get home from work is sleep. Kaylah is feeling a little down due to the lack of Christmas spirit in the house but I have promised her I will try my best to perk up. I took a little leave from Friday 8th Dec until the following Friday so promised the kids we would go shopping for new bedding and curtains for their rooms. We shopped the whole day which really surprised me since I had not felt tired at any point. Of course this then caused me to worry again that something was wrong and perhaps the baby had just stopped growing... I just needed to get to the gp and have a quick scan to put my mind at ease so off I went and once again relief flooded over me when we saw the heartbeat. I told my girls to come in with me so it was great for them to see as well ... not much movement yet and hard to describe where head and rump was especially to little Morgan. I decided to not tell husband about the app. as he gets a little annoyed when I obsess.

First Obgyn appointment

The following day we told my family and close friends and everybody was really very happy for us. I decided to book my first obgyn appointment for Monday 8th December 4pm. The weekend went by in a blur and on the Friday night we had a big tiquila party that we were invited to. I had one beer shandy which I did not finish and then left at 8pm due to the extreme fatique I was still feeling. The rest of the weekend was a weekend of rest for me .. sleeping mid-morning and again mid-afternoon ... nauseous at odd times during the day etc.
Monday arrived and I went to work where I struggled to focus and simply wanted to fall asleep at my desk all day. I only work until 2pm which cetainly helps. 4pm I climb up on the examination table with my gown on knowing that dr will be using that horrible wand to do an internal scan due to the baby being a little on the small side. Small price to pay since my heart once again sat in my chest as I started having flashbacks of that terrible appointment 3.5 years earlier. Once again the deep sigh of relief as we all saw little bean with its heart beating strongly. Heart rate was measured at about 149bpm. We took along our video and also got our first snapshot.
Oli and I walked out of there.... hearts swelling with pride.

Sharing The News

How I managed to be around Oli and my two daughters the whole night without breathing a word is beyond me but really the reason i did it was again due to the disappointment of the blighted ovum. Oli and I took a HPT and did bloods around 3 wks pregnant, which was enough to have us believe that I was indeed pregnant and all was well. For 5 weeks we believed we were pregnant and at the 8 week scan our hopes and dreams were shattered by one scan and some words of sympathy.
I wanted all the proof I needed before sharing the news with Oli this time as it would have killed me to see any kind of skeptism on his face at all. The very next day I managed to get a scan with our local GP who happens to have a very basic scanner ...... my nerves had almost completely unravelled. I strained my neck to look at the screen as he was applying the gel to my lower abdomen ... almost forgetting to breathe while he searched until he came to my uterus. Of course he wanted to go into long explanations about yolk sacs and where the placenta was and I had a couple of small fibroids blah blah blah.... barely listening ... all I was watching was the small little bean inside my uterus and the tiny little movement that after much experience I just knew was the heart. Unimaginable relief washed over me to see that my little bean was not a clump of dead cells like the last one but a real living embroyo. Sadly his scanner could not print out a picture for me so I had to be happy to just use the HPT for Oli's surprise at dinner time. I decided to tell my oldest daughter Kaylah late afternoon and together we both made a beautiful little card with the test glued to the inside. We put this into a little box and I made a special dinner which we invited his father to as well (he stays in our cottage at the back of the property). My daughter hands him the box which has a little teddy on top of the card and tells him to open it. I am sitting with my surprised face as if I too have not seen the contents. He opens it and sees the teddy then looks at her very confused and thanks her for the bear, pushes the box aside and continues eating hehehe. Of course she tells him to look under the teddy and he finds the card, opens it, stares hard and looks up at her with a shocked look and says "WHAT IS THIS???" clearly thinking she was pregnant - boy did I laugh. He then turned to me and and asked if I am pregnant and I told him yes, confirmed by bloods and scan and according to scan I am 7 weeks along. To say him and his father were thrilled would be the understatement of the year. After dinner they started calling his family in the UK to tell them about it and anybody else who would listen. A very exciting day to say the least so very early to bed it was for me.

A VERY unexpected turn

..So there I sat in the small cubicle at the back of the pharmacy trying to get the test done as quickly as possible due to there only being one toilet. It also happened to be a very finicky test where you have to pee in a bottle and use a little sucker straw kind of thing (that really did not work well at all unless squeezed just the right way. So there I was ... pants around my ankles, urine speciman jar between my legs, straw in hand and test balanced on one knee .. trying to get the damn urine into the straw. With a bit of luck I got in what would have been about 3 drops and decided it would have to do. No sooner had I emptied the straw into the little hole on the test and the urine started seeping through ... first the test area .. then ... hang on .. .before even reaching the control area a definate pink line on the test area ..... I brought the test as close as possible to my eyes to make sure that it did indeed say "T" and not "C" and that I was in fact viewing the test area ... then the control area line came up .... a lot lighter than the test area which could only mean 1 thing... I was pretty far along already. Grabbing up my belongings, washing my hands and slipping the test back into the box which was tucked into my bag, I walked out the toilet, out the pharmacy and straight next door to the dr's rooms with what must have been the whitest face anybody had seen in a while.

Strange thing is while waiting for the dr to see me I must have taken a look at the test about 50 times to make sure i was not mistaken. Finally I was called in ... I plonked myself down in the chair, lay the test in front of the dr and promptly began the bawl my eyes out. I had never seen this dr before so the poor lady was really not sure what to do with me and seemed incredibly embarrassed by her initial congratulations. I then pulled out my pill packet and my duramine packet (diet pills) and showed her and then cried some more and told her I didn't want this and the pills would have affected the baby etc etc. She checked in her medical bible and put my mind at ease regarding the pills, however I was still very shocked and unsure about wanting the pregnancy... after a few days I kind've figured out that my feelings came from the loss I experienced when I had a blighted ovum and the pure terror of going through that pain of loss again. We did bloods for which the results would only be available the following day so I decided to keep this secret of mine to myself until the following day.

Introduction

I know how very quickly a pregnancy's milestones can be forgotten now as I try to recall my 5 yr old daughter's first nine months now that I am once again pregnant. I have kept no record of dr's appointments, dates, tests etc which would really have settled a lot of questions I have right now. Therefore I am now planning on being a little more disciplined this time around since it will probably be my last (hard as it is to admit).

I am 38 years old (as of November 2008) and I have a 15 yr old daughter Kaylah and a 5 yr old daughter Morgan. We have been ttc baby number 3 since my little one was a year old but after a blighted ovum I suddenly had ovulation problems which required fertility treatment and the pregnancy we wanted so desperately simply eluded us. OPK's, BBT's, Charting, BFN BFN BFN!!

Around July 2008 I told Oliver (my husband) that I could no longer put myself through this and we needed to accept that it was just not on the cards for us to have another baby. I had been putting my life (including my diet) on hold for far too long and just wanted to get on with living and not simply existing. Although he was not happy with my decision he did not push the issue and I felt the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I went so far as to convince myself how lucky I was that I did not have to go through nappies, bottles, sleepless nights etc and just started settling in to my new life and the peace I had made with all of this. I mean I was turning 38 right?? Far too old to be worrying about having more babies ... right?

Well ... need I say more.... very very true what they say .. take away the stress that your intense need to have a baby brings and everything seems to fall into place.

I figure my conception date was about 1 week before my birthday which would place it around 26th Oct. There I was after being pregnant for 5 weeks thinking it was yet another long cycle that I had simply had enough of and the bloating I was feeling and tender breasts etc I put down to my impending period. I then did something really silly and put myself on the pill since pregnancy would not have occured to me in the slightest. I had started to feel nauseous and very tired and weak shortly after starting the pill and after two weeks of feeling ill Oli suggested it could be the pill that was causing it. All the signs were there ... my aversion to certain foods, tender breasts, frequent urination, fatigue, nausea (insert stoopid here). I was completely blinded because of all the years of fertility treatment I had endured including clomid, injections, HCG's, sperm analysis, blood tests. After much insistence from friends and family who were concerned for my sudden loss of appetite for ... well.... life for the most part I decided to take two days off work to just recuperate and maybe see a dr. The second day (3 December 2008) I made an appointment which I very nearly cancelled but for the benefit of others I saw it through. I had arrived a little early and was to see a locum who was standing in for my regular dr. The pharmacy was next door and I decided then and there to buy a pregnancy test and test in the pharmacy toilets as I figured it would cost me a less than having the test done by the dr.