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Disappointed

Well today was supposed to be the day that Oli was paid out for his business and the new owner takes over but yesterday the agent called him to say it was not to be. The money was in her trust account ready to paid over to us and the lawyers were ready to hand over the letter for her to release the funds then the senior attorney decided that they were not going to take the risk until it had gone through the deeds office!!! This could take anything from 2 weeks to 3 months!!!

We were all completely gutted after receiving this news as Oli and I were so looking forward to a stress free Christmas yet now he has to continue running the business and looking to December as the most stressful month as it is his busiest of all. Coupled with the fact that we now have to juggle money to make Christmas special for the kids and still have a decent holiday. I am so fed up with these damned curve balls and I really am sick and tired of dusting myself off and carrying on but what else can we do. :(
Although I was feeling at my lowest yesterday I told DH that we have to be positive and just keep going and reminded him that at least the deal is not off just postponed.
He told me that yesterday the attorneys FINALLY agreed to give us a bank guarantee as he was starting to worry that the guy may just change his mind. This is at least something!! The money will be paid into the bank's account and they will provide us with a proper bank guarantee which we are all much happier with.

My mother's birthday is on 29 December and the plan was to stay in Jhb and only leave on 30 December but now with this comes the issue of DH staying away from his business for any length of time. His father will still be there but this man cannot even crack an egg without the support of Oli ..aaarggghh.. so I expect his phone to ring 100 times a day thus putting a huge damper on the holiday.

There is nothing more to do here except remain positive and try to make the best of a bad situation.

P.S (On the bright side we will not have the temptation to splash out unnecessarily during the festive season) ....

Food Glorious Food

I have to be honest here and just spit it out:
"I am so so terribly disappointed in myself!" There I've said it yet strangely the words seem empty - the revelation has not miraculously cured me. I am one of those people who loves their food - give me anything -and I mean anything except Anchovies and you can bet that my plate will be cleaned. Its 5 months now since I had Trent and yet I still cannot seem to get myself motivated to get on the weight-loss wagon. Could it be this time of year? All I know is that I have a heavy burden on my shoulders - food for me does not come guilt-free. Every morning I wake up and there it is - this fog hanging over me, this realizatin that I will not be walking to the wardrobe and pulling out any pants with zips and buttons but will once again be reaching for my black maternity pants with the stretch waist.

I sit at the table with a plate of food in front of me not hungry enough to clean the plate but cleaning it nonetheless thereby feeding the monster inside me. My love / hate relationship with food is spinning out of control as I force feed myself chocolates, food, desserts and then more chocolates. 80% of the time it is not hunger that drives me to eat, it is a need to punish myself for looking the way I do. I.NEED.HELP and I mean very very soon.

I am told that how I perceive myself to be is completely distorted to how other people see me and have to admit that in the past I have had border-line annorexia (and bulimia) not once but twice due to this warped perception. Something inside me, possibly from a very young age, has left me a non-believer in myself. I don't feel like a good person sometimes, I am highly sensitive to what people think of me, I feel so lonely in this head of mine even when surrounded by all the love in the world.

But I will get to a place even if I have to remind myself in the mirror every single morning that I have a world of love to give. I will love myself, I will accept myself and then and only then will I be able to move forward with a healthy diet without sabotaging my attempts.

Bugs, Ballet and New Beginnings ...

I came back to work two weeks ago and almost immediately started coming down with flu which is clear indication of how filthy the aircon is in these large buildings. I am still trying to fight it off and have not been hit this hard since well before I fell pregnant. So far we are lucky and although Trent has a slight cough there are no other indications that I have passed it on. Morgan on the other hand seems to have caught my nasty bug so here's hoping it stops at her once I dose her up with all the good stuff.

Saturday night we went to Morgan's ballet concert where she was a little angel with wings floating across the stage. I was so darn proud of her as this is the first time she looked completely confident and in control. I mentioned this to her after the concert and she said "Mommy I remembered what you told me ... that all the parents are only there to watch their children so I pictured only 5 people watching me" bless her little cotton socks!!!

Kaylah is now on school holidays so fun and games for me. Her friend is arriving today and staying the whole week. I can already see a lot of favours being asked of me. Mom can we go to movies? or Mom can you take us to the beach? Eish - not sure my head can handle all that just yet! Morgan starts holidays on Friday so even more fun and games with three kids lazing around all day making a mess in the house. Did I mention that Kaylah and Morgan fight 24/7?? Boy do I love the December holidays!! [read: I wish I could pack my bag and run away]

As for little Mr Trent something has happened suddenly in the last week and along with the sitting he has taken to really enjoying rolling from back to tummy. Tummy to back he did a few weeks ago but seems to have forgotten he can do it. After putting him to bed last night I heard a muffled moaning so went in to check. He had turned over on his tummy with the blanket on his head and his leg caught outside the rails of the cot. I couldn't help but laugh (a nervous laugh of course) since the days of him staying put are fast ending. This weekend he was chewing everything in sight - most fancied my fingers and really munched down hard on them. He is drooling all over the place and spitting up cottage cheese on a regular basis now. I am assuming it is because of the increased saliva which is making him feel a little sick. I really was hoping I would escape the teething woes for at least another month but looks like we are suddenly on a train full steam ahead with everything. Man he is just growing up too fast .... I have a nice little bath chair that we will soon start using as the baby chair he was in is no good anymore. He kicks so hard that his leg flips over the centre piece and they both end up on one side causing him to slide right down into the water!! Don't even let me start on when I am eating or drinking something..... if I am not holding him tight enough he will wiggle right out of my arms in his attempts to grap whatever goes into my mouth... what a little tiger!!! xxx

November Madness!!

Its that time of year again where tempers are high and the Christmas spirit is all around us - all our department stores cramming their isles with more goodies than they can fit including last years Christmas stock, baking utensils and far too many toys, making it virtually impossible to manuvoer a trolley let alone a pram through its maize. I look to Christmas shopping with pure dread since I realise that if not done before 1 December it will become virtually impossible to do it at all. The reason being that we live in a very popular (and might I add small) coastal town and come the last school bell of the year thousands upon thousands of holiday makers decend upon us with caravans, campers, bikes, tents and beachballs ... excitedly anticipating their first glimpse of the warm indian ocean. I might add too that the road rage practiced in our lovely GP is carried over to this quaint little town I call home and we find ourselves more often than not, on the receiving end of cusses, middle fingers and speeding angry drivers determined to wipe out anything or anyone in their path as they race against time to the beach or the malls before the other racing angry GP drivers get there first. After living here for 3 years I can honestly say that I am disgusted that I too was one of them and I too had no regard for the local people, their generosity, their kindness and the fact that unlike the GP's they have to work throughout Christmas and New Year. Yes the GP's would say "but we bring in the MONEY so quit complaining" ... a little common curtesy and respect for these quiet coastal people and their beautiful wildlife goes a long way people.

Which brings me onto my next point - I will be spending the week of Christmas in Jhb with my family and I couldn't be happier. Traffic going out that way will be QUIET! Jhb itself will be QUIET! Well quieter than this place that is. My dilemma still remains that I need to get my Christmas shopping out of the way and quickly so DH hurry up and bring on the money!!!

Trent reached a very big milestone yesterday and I have to say he hit me with a curve ball because I didn't see this one coming. He SAT all by himself and for at least 10 minutes before he started crying - problem was he had no idea how to get out of that sitting position so cried for mommy to rescue him....
The drooling, spit up and biting is now full steam ahead which leaves me looking like something the cat dragged in. Here's hoping those teeth come soon but if he is anything like my other two Im looking at around 7 - 8 months.

Soaring Spirit

Hello to all my valued readers I am back - life as I knew it is no more, I am now back at work and things are normal - whatever normal is?? I feel I have come full circle although in saying that, I have come back to this place with a brand new blessing who I am completely and utterly crazy about.
I feel my little man has breathed new life into me and as we go along as he is learning so too am I. I am re-learning the art of patience, devotion, unconditional love and most importantly I am learning to love myself again through it all. Somewhere along the way I lost my sense of self-worth - I felt like a robot that put everybody else's wants and needs ahead of mine. Yes as the mother I am the "heart" of the family and I certainly believe that without me it would all unravel but gratitude, appreciation and love returned in the smallest doses has not been forthcoming.

Yes I do everything for my little man so again I am giving but I am receiving the greatest gift of all in return ... his unconditional and fresh love that only a baby can give, that lights up his face when I am around. Discovering all the beautiful things in the world right along with him as if I too am seeing them for the first time .... I feel lifted, free - I can move mountains...

A little poem:

Mother's Prayer

Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day,
With little time to stop and pray,
For life's been anything but calm,
Since you called on me to be a mom.

Running errands, matching socks,
Building dreams with building blocks.
Cooking, cleaning, and finding shoes,
And other stuff that children lose.

Fitting lids on bottled bugs,
Wiping tears and giving hugs.
A stack of last week's mail to read,
So where's the quiet time I need?

Yet when I steal a minute Lord,
Just at the sink or ironing board,
To ask the blessings of your grace,
I see then in my small one's face,

That you have blessed me all the while,
As I stop to kiss that precious smile.

...Author Unknown

As time goes on....

I would like to add Trent's then and now pics as per Marthie's blog.






.... and Now

The photo's below were taken last night when I gave him his very first meal of home-made butternut..... He absolutely loved it!!! I was going to hold off for a while as per the sister's instructions but honestly how much weight can vegetables actually put on?? He is doing everything they need to be doing including watching me eat all the time - there was no pushing out of the tongue when the food went in and somewhere in between it all mommy got a great big smile as if to say "Mommy this is soooo yummy - you're the best"!!